So This is the New Year

... and I don't feel any different.
Ha. Sorry, I had to.

Firstly, I wanted to say thank you to the people who gave me their time, their kind words, and their strong shoulders. I learned that you can't depend on anyone but yourself in this life, but if someone cares about you enough to give you their time and their love, then those people are real keepers. It's kinda funny; everyone wants to be my friend when I'm shitting on dicks and laughing out loud. I guess it's times like these when you figure out who's always going to be there for you. A wise, wise girl once told me there are times you've just gotta be a Call Out Girl. True to form: here's to champagne for my real friends, real pain for my sham friends. If you got that, we probably would have been secret best friends in high school (and we would probably be really ashamed of our terrible taste in music right about now).

Anyway. It's New Year's Eve, and knowing that I should have been in Florida for this is too much for me to think about right now. I'm finally 21 for New Year's, but I don't feel like going out, not after all that's happened. This new year, 2010, represents a turning point in my life -- I'm finally growing up and becoming a "real person." No more "student" label to hide behind anymore, no school to fall back on. I grow up this year. Honestly, this dominates all my thoughts that aren't dedicated to ultimate or school. My blog's second birthday is coming up, and I guess this will double for that post as well. So give me one (more) post to wax poetic, and then I'll get back to the dick shitting and (too much) titties and cute girls and whatnot.


I recently read an interview Garrison Keillor gave once, and he said that there are tons of writers out there because nowadays, anyone can write about anything at anytime. There are lots of angry writers out there, but their writing wears out. But he says that people always go back to the writers that they find funny. I like to think that people always go back to writers that they find genuine, too. It's like a television show -- you don't keep watching a show just because. You keep watching a show because the people are funny (Jersey Shore), or because you care about the characters (Jim & Pam, and Karen from behind).

For whatever reason, there are a number of you who keep coming back to this blog. Maybe it's because you like to see me make a fool of myself, maybe it's because you like to see what new holes I'll dig myself into this time, maybe it's because you think I'm an asshole, and maybe it's because you might find me a little entertaining. Whatever your reason may be, you keep coming back, and I appreciate it. In the past year, I've gone back and forth about what I want to do with this blog, what direction I want to take it in. Unfortunately, the past few months have not been happy ones for me, and I felt like this blog reflected that, and shit got a little darker than I wanted it to be. I want this blog to become a decent balance of my personal life and non-ultimate thoughts, while still documenting all my ultimate endeavors.

I keep saying this every time I reflect on another season's end or whenever I think about how long I've had this blog: This blog has seen me through a lot. I have no doubt that this year won't be different. You'll be able to track my season's ups and downs through what's written in this blog, both in what I've chosen to post and what I've chosen to keep as a private draft. I expected this season to be tumultuous, and with 2010, this magical, scary, pivotal year in my life upon us, things are sure to be unpredictable.

2010. Geez. 2010 was a mythical number for me back when I was in middle school, in high school. We were fresh into the decade, and my young ass couldn't even comprehend the end of high school, let alone college. We live in what are supposedly the "end times" -- the economy is in the toilet, along with our morality and home values, the schools don't work, the politicians are depraved, and no one cares about anything anymore. So much crazy shit has happened in the past year. We've seen conflict over the elections in Iran, we inaugurated a mixed-race man as our president, we've suffered a recession, we freaked the fuck out about swine flu, we tried to reform health care, we found Jaycee Dugard, we were obsessed with Jon & Kate, and so much other crazy shit. We lost a lion, a thriller, an angel, a pitchman, a husky, one of the most well-known directors of our time, my two favorite basketball announcers (on the same day, nonetheless), and a legend, among so many other beloved people.

It was a crazy year for ultimate, too. UCSB FINALLY won the title, after two straight years of losing in finals. The number of bids to Nationals was bumped up to 20, and now a few more teams from the ultra-competitive Central, SW, and NW regions get a chance to show their stuff. Last-ranked Penn made a HUGE splash at Nationals, giving Washington a little heart attack in semis. WonderDread won Callahan, prompting us all to wonder if Wisconsin could turn into Callahan U. The number one team on the men's side of things didn't even make Nationals, and the defending champions couldn't get past quarters. It POURED in SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA on Monday of Pres Day, and there were some Rantoul-scale winds in Texas on the first day of Centex.

Illinois had a crazy year, too. I was gone for half a year and everyone gnashed their teeth, beat their chests, and cried about it (read: no one cared/nbd). We became hell-bent on one goal, and worked our asses off for it, at the expense of our bodies. We finally had enough girls to field a B-Team, who was one of the only teams to score on us on Saturday of Sectionals. T-Bag became a national name, and I became a national shame. As FJR so hilariously (and accurately) put it, the Crazy Baldwin Brother of women's college ultimate, Illinois, made Nationals last year too. There was the Illinois that played like it did on Sunday of Pres Day ... and then there was the Illinois that played like it did on Saturday and Monday of Pres Day. We went from being the team who lost on DGP to Northwestern in the finals of Sectionals, to the team that played Michigan in a tough game in the finals of Regionals, and then turned around to annihilate OSU in the backdoor game, no let down whatsoever. Then we went to Nationals and lost a bunch of games, some of which we had a real shot of winning. Who knows with us, really?

I think that 2010 promises to be equally as crazy as 2009, if not more so. I'm about to embark on my last semester of college. After a lot of soul searching and a lot of arguments that resulted in proverbial slammed doors and "no turning back"-s, I've decided that law school is not what I want to do, at least not right now. I'm very unsure about what's going to happen after graduation, and while it's exciting, it's also pants-shittingly horrifying at the same time. Somehow, I made it. I don't know how, but I'm here. Of course, I realize that my decision to skip law school for the time being means that this is my last season of college ultimate ever. I won't go so far as to say that this is my last season of ultimate ever, but for the time being, this is the last truly competitive ultimate I see myself playing for a long time.

With that in mind, I have a lot of goals I fully plan on accomplishing this year. I want to be the best leader I can be. I'll need to learn how to keep the fire in my belly right where it is -- I can't be whooping tricks and punching Snickers on the field. I need to learn composure, patience, and control. I need to keep my head up when it's hard, and make sure my teammates are doing the same. I want to be the best player I can be. What I lack in physical gifts, I plan to make up for in hard work. I don't ever want to step onto a field feeling like I'm not prepared to be there, like I don't belong there. I don't ever want to go into a match-up thinking that I'm going to get owned. I need to step up -- BIG TIME. I want it all, and I believe everything is possible. I want to win Sectionals, I want to win Regionals, and ultimately, I want NATIONALS. I don't care what anyone says. I don't care what I said a few months ago. I believe in this goal more than anything, actually. In my head, I can't NOT see us at Nationals this May. Some may say that I'm setting myself up for utter disappointment and heartbreak, but who the FUCK goes into a season saying that they'd just be happy with mediocrity? I refuse to train like I'm okay with being third or fourth in the region, and I sure as hell refuse to play that way.

I have some personal goals too, but I guess they're not as exciting as my ultimate goals. You know, the basic stuff: be a better student (shyeah right ... who has this as a goal in their last semester of college?), graduate, get a job. I plan on being a better person, I guess. I'd tell you that I'll stop making inappropriate jokes and I'll stop swearing, but I think everyone knows the latter is actually physically impossible for me, so whatever. I think more than anything, I just want to laugh more. I just want to bury old hatchets, let go of the things and the people that hurt me, and quit crying my eyes out (if you understood the Call Out Girl reference, you might also understand this reference, in which case we would have been BEST friends in middle school, and we would have worn/rolled our Ackie Sacks together through the cruel, cruel halls of Whitney Young High School to get to Blue House so we could watch our super secret crush put his books in his locker without getting bitched out by Oscar or Deafy McDugan *sigh*). I just want to have some good ass times. I plan on having lots of long, unplanned conversations, and laughing until I'm physically sore the next day. I plan on Pres Day being just as fucking ridiculous as it was last year, minus the Monday monsoon, and I plan on Team Girlfriend being together for FOUR flights -- sorry in advance to everyone who has to sit around us. I plan on living every week like it's tourney week, and I plan on every real tourney weekend being deliriously fun. I plan on SB2K10 being out of fucking control, and I plan on heckling until I lose my voice at the Centex Showcase game, hopefully while sitting next to Katie Kessler and UCSD. I plan on vomiting over Apt. 6's fence again this year, even though I don't know anyone who lives there anymore, and I plan on being passed out again when body shots are taken. I plan on fist pumping, shouting songs out loud, hearing "Replay" every time I get in the car, and lots and lots of "Glee". I plan on all-nighters at the Graing, early mornings at the Union, and enjoying every single class I will have at Greg Hall, one of my favorite buildings on campus. I plan on not missing the Armory at all, going to ARC as often as I can, possibly use the swimming pool or hot tub or something (chlorine be damned!), and vomiting all over Memorial Stadium. I plan on visiting every building on campus, documenting this aforementioned adventure, and really, really enjoying this campus. I plan on throwing on the Quad every single chance I get, hitting as few people as possible, and getting on the front page of the Daily Illini while throwing with my constipated game face on (and then end up on some girl in Hopkins' door?). I plan on NOT studying at McKinley, and I plan on possibly watching a Billy Bob Thornton movie there one night. I plan on having lots of Team Girlfriend date nights, and I plan on making sure NONE OF THEM try to get new girlfriends when we graduate. I plan on meeting new people, strengthening old friendships, and maybe, possibly even falling in love again. I plan on leaving things in the past, looking forward to things to come, and enjoying the moment as I'm in it. I plan on remembering those I've lost, being open to those I have yet to meet, and loving those that I'm with.

Winter break is just about hitting its half-way mark, and since it's began, I've been on a roller coaster ride of emotions. Even though I've only been home for about two weeks, I've been lucky enough to see almost all the people who matter most to me in my life, and hopefully in the next two weeks, I'll take care of seeing the rest of them. Maybe it's because it's the turn of a new decade, or maybe it's because for a lot of us, this will be our last year of college (and our tenth year of friendship!), but we've all been rather nostalgic lately. In the last two weeks, I've cried a lot, but I've also laughed a lot. Just thinking back on everything, I think I can say now that I've been through a lot in my life, and I don't mean that lightly. I've crawled through a lot of shit and I've fought a lot of battles to get to where I am today. There are still some things that I struggle with, but honestly, not to be cliche, what hasn't killed me has made me stronger. I wrote something when I was an angsty high school student, something about the pieces of my heart and soul being strewn across the bathroom floor (a reference to an event that occurred earlier in high school that I'm not proud of, and still embarrassed to think about), but I have a lion-hearted sense of pride, and an indomitable will. My heart doesn't quit, and my knees don't buckle in, and my lungs can breathe when they're alone, but not when I'm having an asthma attack, obviously. (Thanks, Jenny Lewis.)

Through all the bullshit, still I rise.

And of course, the best is yet to come.