A Rookie's Guide to Illinois Menace, Second Edition

We're officially into the spring semester, and this means we've moved indoors for practice. We no longer have the plush green grass of the Complex Fields, or the gorgeous sunsets that signal the last few points of scrimmage. Instead, we get the brutal Armory and the ass cheek-eating Irwin (but I actually like Irwin, so I'm not that mad about it). At this point, the rookies who are serious about playing have made it clear they want to stick around, and those that aren't really that into it are scared off by the work and dedication it takes to win.

Sometimes rookies come into the experience feeling overwhelmed or like they're not quite sure where they fit in. It's always hard walking into a situation where people have been playing together for a while, have known each other for a long time. Not that our awesome rookies haven't fit right in with our dysfunctional team, but this is a guide to help them learn what this team is all about.

Now, I started the First Edition off with a "brief" history. Not going to lie, but I can't be brief -- I'm long-winded and ridiculous, and I could talk your ear off about fall 2006-2009, so if you're interested in learning about those years, let me know. We can set some office hours up so you can get educated. There are some incredible stories to hear, and some great teams to look up to. There are some incredible players who built the team and made it what it is today, and you should definitely ask about it, because I love talking about it.

Now the best and most concise way for me to give you rookies an insight to the team is through lists. So here goes:

Jewb's Tips for Having a Great Season

1. A lot of people who end up playing ultimate played a sport in high school. You need to be okay with maybe not being very good at first. Maybe you turf all your forehands, and maybe you run around in circles looking foolish, but with time, you'll get better. With ultimate, you get out what you put in. Put in the time, the patience, and the effort, and you will get better. Everyone will recognize the work you've been putting in to get better, and you will reap the benefits if you keep at it. Another group of new ultimate players have never played any sport before. If this is you, don't be discouraged and don't think you're "not athletic" enough or "not coordinated" enough. I'm still not athletic or coordinated, and I'm going into my fourth year of playing. With time and a lot of practice, you're going to improve.
   
2. Throw, throw, throw, and throw some more. That's the only way you can get better at your throws, is by practicing in all sorts of conditions. Sure, it feels great to throw a perfect forehand in the still air of the Armory, but bring that forehand outside into the winds of April, and you'll soon find out that it needs a lot of work. So throw when it's windy out. Throw when the disc is a little bit wet. Our playing conditions won't always be perfect, sunny, dry, and windless, so you may as well get used to it.
   
3. LIFT. Obviously most importantly, you start looking cut and/or swole, and you fill out a cut-off shirt really, really nicely. People start to stare, people start calling your abs The Situation, you walk into a club and people yell "J-Woww!" I mean, you know. It's a pivotal part of the GTL trifecta. But in all seriousness, lifting is important for anyone who wants to play deep into the Series. It helps get you stronger, helps prevent injuries. It'll help you add distance to your throws, help your legs get stronger so you can get faster.
   
4. Learn the rules. People might try to take advantage of you and break a few rules because you're a rookie -- but don't take any of that shit! If you don't get the rules -- there are a lot of them, and some of them can be confusing -- just ask. I still do that all the time. I still carry around my little rulebook with me, and when a call is made on the field, if I don't understand it, I still ask. It's important for you to know what a violation is and what to do when one occurs. Recognizing things like picks, fast counts, fouls, and double-teams and knowing to call them can be very helpful for you.
5. When a vet is trying to help you out -- listen. They've been where you are before, and they've learned a thing or two along the way. When they correct something you're doing, they're not picking on you or trying to make you feel bad, they just want to help you get better. On that same note, never be afraid of asking a question. If you don't understand a drill or if you want to know how to improve a certain throw or if you're not sure if you're making a cut correctly, just ask. Anyone would be happy to help you out.
6. Even if you're not on the field, you're still an important part of the team. The sidelines are extremely important on defense, and on offense, they can help players see options that they might not have seen themselves on the field. Without that communication, it's that much harder to play great D. And if you don't know what to say, just yell "UP!" Get that sideline D, baby!
   
7. Media is your friend. Reading UPA Magazine and real ultimate blogs (i.e. not illinoismenace.blogspot.com) can give you better insight into different aspects of ultimate and different team strategies. The Huddle is a great source of ultimate material, with articles about all aspects of the game, ranging from how to get a layout D to how to run a zone offense. Watching ultimate videos on YouTube or Ultivillage can help you visualize how players do certain things, like layout or position themselves on defense.
   
8. Go to every practice! You're probably so tired of hearing about it by now, but making it out to every practice is extremely vital not only to your development as a player, but also to our development as a team. By making it out to practice, you learn a lot and have a lot of chances to improve and practice many different parts of your individual game. Also, we get to practice things as a team, and work on how we, as a unit, work on the field. If you miss a practice where we learn something new or practice something new, you'll be left out of the loop, and you'll have to catch up.
9. Come to every tournament! The best way to learn is to just go out there and play. Plus, you'll get to watch other great players play, and you can learn from them. More than anything, tournaments are just a ridiculous amount of fun. What's the point of coming to practice all the time if you're not going to travel to tournaments?
10. Hang out with us. I don't know many other people who go on cut-offs and white shorts bar crawls. And I don't know many other people who go red pin bowling in cut-offs. I guess I don't know many other people who like cut-offs as much as we do, actually.

Jewann's Survival Tips

1. DON'T throw without shoes on on the Quad. You WILL step in dog poo, and it WILL be embarrassing and possibly the most shameful moment of your life. I'm not speaking from experience. It happened to a friend of mine, and oh man, sure sucked for that chump! What a loser!
2. Speaking of unfortunate things happening to "friends", unless you are a good sport, don't tell us stories about your personal life. I'm not saying we wouldn't find out about it eventually, but at least you have a few hours/days of relative peace before we ultimately pry into the very inner corridors of your heart. This is also known as "getting Rosenwinkel-ed", not to be confused with "Rosenwinkel-ing", which has more to do with bodily discharges and the simultaneous nature of these opposite-end discharges.
   
3. At some point, you will probably get a nickname. It will probably be stupid. Don't fight it. You will learn to love it. And even if you don't, it will probably not stop me from calling you that nickname that I most likely came up with. If you're dissatisfied with your nickname, hey, at least I don't call you T-Bag or Chanaramadingdong. I mean, yikes.
   
4. Wendy's is our Sunday, post-tournament meal, so learn to love Wendy's if you don't already (I don't know how you couldn't love Wendy's). I mean, SPICY CHICKEN NUGGETS FOR NINETY NINE CENTS. I don't even know how that's legal. Additionally, Wendy's is affordable and delicious for beast eaters and non-beast eaters alike. Just ask The Claire Wright: she has been a beast eater and a non-beast eater and a part-time beast eater all in the past summer. If The Claire Wright can eat that chili, so can you, foo'!
5. Should you ever be making a hilariously awkward face, know that someone will most likely capture it on film, and we will mock it for weeks and weeks to come. If you want to know what this is like, just ask me or MaryKim, a Menace of yesteryear. Our facial expressions are apparently permanently set at 'Awkward as Fuck', and I feel like Meg has an album that is 50% just pictures of me and Mary. Speaking of Hassling the Hof, don't eat Mike & Ikes prior to the taking of a team picture. You will most likely choke and make a funny face or move about during the taking of said photo(s). This will result in a hilarious sequence of your aforementioned choking/squirming, to be posted on facebook, and to be commented on and ridiculed for the rest of the season.
   
6. Always, always, always, always, always, always, always, always, ALWAYS wear your compression shorts or sliding shorts in Irwin. I know, I know. You've worn the same pair for the past three and a half weeks. They're gross, they reek, and they're still a little damp from the last time you wore them (most likely yesterday). They're not as tight as they used to be (that's what she said?). They are unsightly. Maybe, I mean, you could just not wear them tonight, right? I mean, it's just one time.
   
   Well, go SOYD if that's what you think. All it takes is one time. One time. One time you don't wear your compression shorts, and one time you get matched up against Goose and then Clurious on consecutive Randy Moss reps, and one time you realize you have to layout unless you want to get embarrassed. All it takes is one time, and then you stand up and your thigh is concave. I pussed and leaked straight through my gauze, through my bandages, through my Ace wrap, through my shorts, and then through the warm-up pants I was wearing that night, and all over some chair in the Undergrad. I'm not even kidding, that bad boy was SOAKED. My bad. I showered with a plastic bag wrapped around my ass for months. I had to wear compression shorts all the time because I couldn't take all the chafing without them. I slept without pants on for MONTHS ... and then liked it so much that I decided I wouldn't sleep with pants on anymore, but that's a different story. I had to sleep on my stomach (awkward), and I couldn't sleep with a blanket, and this was for almost all of the winter months! One. Time.
   
7. Understand the severity of infectious diseases. Because we are a group of people that spends a lot of time together, frequently in compact spaces, the likelihood for passing on or contracting an infectious disease is greatly increased. The swine flu epidemic might not have *originated* with a certain ursine creature I know, but it certainly used the body of this aforementioned bear of the fozzy variety to make its way into the Midwest. Do you even know how many cases of swine popped up in Oberlin, OH the weekend of Regionals '09? Something ridiculous, like 6! Shit's real.
   
8. What's your accessory game look like? Cool seventies sweatbands and wristbands? Different sweatbands to match the color shirt you are wearing? Trucker hats? Temporary tattoos? Most importantly, cut-offs for every day of the week? If you can't rock any of these things, then I'm not sure this is the team for you.
9. Shame? You shouldn't have it. Simple as that. Next.
   
10. No matter how hot it is outside, DO NOT play without a shirt on, prancing about only in a sports bra. Contrary to what Sir Chansypants may tell you, there is almost nothing I hate more than playing D on a girl who is not wearing a shirt. It's like having to play D on that one sweaty, hairy guy who insists on taking his shirt off at basketball pickup. It's like, dude, here, you don't even need to post up on me, just take the fuckin' layup. Maybe if it's deathly hot and you're on a bye and not playing and your guido ass is trying to respect GTL, or maybe if it's an ungodly type of hot and any type of clothing is suffocating you and could cause you heat stroke and frothing at the mouth, then and only then is it okay to take your shirt off. But not when you're playing. Firstly, it is janky. Friends don't let friends be janky, and no one wants to have little janklet babies with a splish splash splosh jank bucket. Second of all, you are representing the team whose name is supposed to be across your chest whenever you step on the field. Don't make us "that team". Most of all though, that's just shameless, I mean, honestly, who are you?
    

If you don't love these songs already, you should probably get on it:

1. "Love in This Club" Usher -- I'm serious. If you don't like this song, we probably shouldn't even be friends. Straight up.
2. "Replay" Iyaz feat. Sean Kingston -- Unless you are ready to hear this over and over again on the radio, don't get in a car with me and Margaret. I'm just saying that this song fuckin' follows us, seriously.
3. "Kiss Me Thru the Phone" Soulja Boy Tell 'Em -- Regionals '09, baby.
4. "Take You There" Sean Kingston -- A certain bag of T I know loves this jam.
5. "Ignition (remix)" R. Kelly -- I don't care what he did or did not do, R. Kelly isn't in prison, and he makes DAMN good music. I mean, have you heard "Bump n' Grind"?
6. "Halo" Beyonce -- *sigh*
7. "Love Song" Sara Bareilles -- Ha, the Team Asia theme song.
8. "Mad" Ne-Yo -- This one is for Murrles.
9. "I'll Make a Man Out of You" Mulan
10. If you don't like Taylor Swift, then we also shouldn't be friends. She is adorable, just saying.
    

Unless you like the sound of my voice, DON'T get me started on the following topics:

1. JSA Stanford
2. Team Stanford '08 or Team Stanford '09
3. my children
4. China
5. UConn women's basketball
6. Chicago Bulls basketball (specifically all the hilarious players we've had over the years, i.e. Randy "My Brother Bought All the Randy Brown Basketball Cards in Existence in the City of Chicago" Brown, Dalibor "Big Dally" Bagaric, Scott "Not Michael Jordan" Burrell, KHALID El-AMIN, Brent "Franchise" Barry, etc.)
7. high school and college basketball, and I guess just basketball in general, really
8. ethnic conflict in China
9. any of the number of random things I'm obsessed with (i.e. otters, Ellen Page, Michael Cera, Jersey Shore, The O.C., etc.)
10. any of the other "obscure" sports teams I'm mildly obsessed with (i.e. the U of I volleyball and cross country/track teams)
    

For now, that's what I can think of. I'm sure I'll come up with other wisdoms, but I can always just drop that knowledge on you at practice or something, because I know you're all listening when I speak. But that's that, my young friends.

Welcome to the biggest shit show of your life.