Full Circle

I think that most anyone who really knows me knows how verbose I am. I can start off talking about something I did last Thursday, and end up talking about why I prefer egg whites to egg yolks, or some crazy shit like that. And yet, I have a lot of trouble talking about things that are really, truly personal to me.

It's been about six months since College Nationals, and I still haven't really been able to sit down and write about it yet. Every time I start to, I end up just trashing the draft and walking away from it all. I know that no matter what I try to write, it probably won't do the experience justice. I don't know that any word or any sequence of words in the English language would be sufficient to describe what I felt, but I'm going to try my best.

The best way I can describe it is that the whole experience felt like coming full circle for me, finally. Even though I was only a junior and still have one more series to go until it's all over, I feel like everything came full circle last year.

I think I was first really convinced that I loved ultimate when I went to watch College Nationals in Ohio as a freshman. For the entirety of that year, I had heard about how we were going to Nationals. I didn't really understand what that meant yet back then, and I didn't really understand what a "good" player was or anything like that, really. I just went along with the notion that we were "going", and I was mad/sad about losing to Northwestern, just like I thought everyone else was. I think it's silly, looking back on it now. We weren't, in fact, that close to Nationals. We lost in semis? to a Northwestern team that went up something ridiculous on us, like six points or something like that. Looking back on it now, I feel a little silly that I ever felt anything like anger or sadness, mostly because I didn't play at all that game.

That summer, despite not qualifying, a bunch of girls decided to make the road trip to Columbus to watch the tournament. I don't remember when we got there, exactly, but I feel like the first game we watched was the Wisconsin/UBC game. I believe Bella was seeded higher, but UBC upset them, and in the process I was introduced to the force that was Kira Frew. She was incredible in this game, and even though the rest of the details are fuzzy, I remember her domination. Another game that I vividly remember watching is the Bella/Blu game. In my life's mythology, this game is paramount. I always talk about it because it was that important to me. This game was as important to my development as an ultimate player as the first time I saw Bulls/Pistons or UConn/Tennessee was to my development as a basketball player. It was two tremendous teams just playing their hearts out, and that game has always stuck out to me. I don't really remember any of the other games I watched at the tournament; the only two that I can really remember are the two that I've already mentioned. But just being there, watching all these great teams play, it made me dream about what it would take to get there, dream about what it felt like to be playing on that stage, playing that level of great ultimate. I remember going home with a renewed sense of purpose -- to get better, so that I could one day play at Nationals. Not stand on the sidelines watching as a fan, and not stand on the sidelines cheering as a player -- but playing at Nationals.

I've written volumes about sophomore year and about how the 2008 season ended, so I think I'll leave that out of this post, as that season isn't what this is about.

I keep saying this, but I knew we were going to Nationals in the first point of the backdoor final game. I was almost positive during that first point, when we just worked it up the field, just easy pass to easy pass to easy pass. No crazy shit, no turnovers. I just remember catching the disc on the open side, looking up for a second or two and not seeing anybody, and then swinging it back to Kelly. A pass or two later I'd get it back from Kelly, and then the cycle would repeat. We moved up the field slowly but surely, never once panicking or making a bat shit crazy decision. I just remember eventually putting the disc in the endzone, giving Miss Foster a high five (one of us said something along the lines of "We got this"?), and just knowing we were going go be okay. On three consecutive points of the game, we got three D's (one was by Claire, one was a layout D by T-Bag, and I forget the other one), all three of which OSU called fouls on. The observer overturned all three of their calls. I was absolutely sure then, that we were going. All the props in the world to OSU, they beat some good teams to get to the backdoor final, but nothing was stopping us at that point. We were a team on a mission, and we knew what we had to do. In my mind, the score didn't even matter, and we just kept playing, no let downs about the Michigan game whatsoever, like it was a game to infinity. I didn't even realize what the score was until I exited the game and started hearing the names that Meg was calling. "Tania ... Mary ... Kelly ... Jen ... Rachel ... Mel ... Kim." A senior line.

I don't know if this really makes sense to anyone, but when the score hit 15 and we had our ticket punched, it felt like falling for the first time. I don't know if there's one word in any language that describes how I felt. I remember watching the disc into Tania's hands, and I remember looking at my teammates around me to confirm the score had indeed hit 15, my heart stopped for just as second as I got confirmation, and I had both my hands on my head, and then I rushed the field with everyone. I got into the fray, turned to my right, saw Kelly, pointed at her, and we walked towards each other just laughing and I jumped into her arms like a tree squirrel or something, and the next thing I know we're surrounded by the rest of our teammates, and everyone is laughing and shouting and it was just AMAZING.

It was a mixture of so many feelings -- exhilaration, relief, intense happiness ... I can't describe. It felt like my heart had exploded all of these wonderful feelings throughout my body. I had no control over my limbs -- my legs didn't want to stop moving and my arms were flailing, pumping, waving all over the place, and wrapping themselves around all the people I could find. I couldn't wipe the smile off my face, and I feel like everything that came out of my mouth was nonsensical. I couldn't hear anything -- just joyful shouts and laughter -- words didn't make sense to me. My lungs, my chest ... they felt so full, like nothing could deflate me, like I'd never have another asthma attack again in my life. My heart felt full, and I felt nothing but love from the moment we scored to the moment I took the bus ride of shame home from Apartment 6 on Monday morning, still in my dirty, smelly jersey, still unshowered, and wearing Murrles' sister's UIC hoodie. It was jubilation, it was exhilaration, it was a mission accomplished, a destiny fulfilled, a love realized, and a journey come full circle. It was one of the best feelings of my entire life, and something I will never forget, for as long as I live. I don't think I cried, even though I said I would. I remember all the telephone calls (called my parents on all three of their phones, didn't pick up any of those calls ... my parents love me, I swear), all the hugs, all the high fives, all the laughter. God, it was one of the BEST days of my entire life.

So being at Nationals this past summer, standing on the line for that first point against Carleton ... it felt like I had come full circle from that kid who was sitting on the sidelines in Columbus just two years earlier. The gravity of it all definitely was not lost on me. There was a crazy rush of emotions as we stood on the line and waited for Carleton to pull. I thought about being a freshman and sucking, horrendously. I thought about the heartbreak that was sophomore year. I thought about what it felt like when we beat OSU. I thought about getting handblocked in the finals of Regionals in '08, and I thought about scoring in the finals of Regionals '09. I thought about losing my left ass cheek to Irwin, I thought about the Armory, I thought about Memorial Stadium, and the complex fields. As the disc went up, I felt a mixture of fear, nervousness, joy, and of course, excitement and exhilaration. Then the disc hit the ground, I picked it up, and it was game time.

Columbus '07; watching the finals

Columbus '09; first point of the Carleton game
(HA I just realized that the only person who was on the starting line of the Carleton game in '09 that wasn't in the picture of Columbus in '07 is Peach! Crazy shit!)

About the only thing I did right in the Carleton game (picked up the disc, swung to Kelly immediately).

(first photo is Kim's, last two are Cozza's)


In the time that I've been at Illinois, we've always expected to go to Nationals, and we've always worked for it. But two times out of three, we haven't been successful. Even though we always plan on it and we always work for it, we're not one of those teams who makes Nationals every year, so last year was a really big deal. A team attempts to make Nationals. A program expects to make Nationals every year, and trains to do so. I'm hoping that the events that were set into motion when we lost in the backdoor final of Regionals '08 are the building block to the program we're attempting to build. I'm hoping that year after year, not only are we contenders to win the Great Lakes region, but I hope we also go to Nationals and make a splash every year, not just merely go and finish tied for 19th. On a personal note, just thinking about how poorly I played at Nationals this past summer makes me feel like I have all this unfinished business. Nationals 2010, baby. I want a new "full circle" realization next year -- I want to go from being that kid who never left the sideline in the semifinals of 2007 Regionals, to being that kid who makes a difference in the finals of 2010 Regionals.

Game on.