These Last Few Years Been a Haze Like Isaac

This is about to sound like it, and as you read it it'll probably read like one, but I just want to say that this is by no means my last post on this here blog.

It's a long goodbye to my college ultimate experience, but I can promise you that it is not the end of illinoismenace.blogspot.com. That being said, I'm about to take you hella back.
So sit back and get ready for some long winded emotional blubbering.
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I joined the frisbee team as a freshman. I did it on a whim; I had just learned how to throw a backhand about a week before school started. My babybro and I played one-on-one basketball a couple days a week the summer before we went off to college in order to groom me into a player good enough to walk onto Illinois' basketball team. (Clearly, the call from a D3 coach made me a little cocky.) After balling, we'd head over to the lawn and throw a disc around. I was pretty terrible at it, but he was just getting really into it and wanted to play. Needless to say, our ridiculous basketball plan never really took off. I knew I wanted to stay involved with sports in college since I was always playing a sport in high school, and frisbee seemed fun enough.

The rest as they say, is history.
I consider the time I've spent as a member of Illinois Menace as some of the very best years of my life. Whenever I look back on college, I will also inevitably be thinking about college ultimate, and how big of a role it played in my life. Ultimate has blessed me with some of the most enduring memories of my entire life, both on and off the field. I'll guess I'll recap those memories for you, since you all know how I love to go on and on about stories.

Anyone who knows me now would be shocked to know that I was very, very introverted as a freshman. I barely ever spoke, probably barely ever even made eye contact with people. I'm pretty sure a lot of people thought I was mute. I stuck mostly to myself because I knew I had a really weird sense of humor (my friend Karen and I once cut class in high school to deface a school bench with the names of sexually transmitted infections -- most spelled incorrectly, mind you -- to which our other friend Kelsey told us that we would never make friends in college), and I wasn't sure what people would think of me. The best thing I could think to do was just to shut up and keep to myself. The weirdest part of it all was probably that I wasn't good at ultimate, either. I'm really not quite sure why I stuck with the team past that first year of horrendousness at ultimate and muteness on and off the field, but I'm really really glad that I did.

I don't remember too many of the tournaments we played my freshman year (I do remember Blue Ridge Blowout, a tournament that no one else on the 2009-2010 Menace roster can say they went to, pretty cool), but the Series sticks out most in my mind. By April of my freshman year, I still wasn't able to throw a decent forehand, had just mastered learning how to turn and look at my dump correctly, and really could not play defense for the life of me. We had heard all year about our chances to make Nationals, but I really had no idea what that meant. I figured it was kind of like making it to state for basketball, but I had no idea how big this was, how important this was for so many people. I got the sense that our seniors wanted it really, really bad, but by April I still didn't really understand the immensity of it, fully.

Freshman year, Sectionals were held in Naperville. I remember that it was very dreary out and really cold, and I think it was Jen's parents, maybe? who brought one of those heat lamp things out to the fields for us. We would all just park in front of this big, red, glowing tower of heat, and at one point Nadja said she'd pay me $10 to lick it. I looked at her like, "I'm mute not an IDIOT." But what was memorable about Sectionals that year was that it was the first and only time in my career that we've won it. I can hardly remember any of the games we played, but the one game I remember is the finals against Northwestern. That game was INTENSE. I can remember being on the sidelines, heart 'bout to leap right out of my chest, just so excited about what was happening. I'm not sure that Ann or X sat a point that game, although I feel like Ann had to come out at one point because she got hurt, and I'm pretty sure I didn't play at all. My God what a game. I don't remember how it ended or what happened, just that we won. That's all I can remember, is taking a really exuberant team picture. That is my very first memory of the Series, is winning the section.



A couple weeks later, we played Regionals in Rantoul. One of my favorite stories about Regionals is that I woke up late on Saturday. We had a rookie car, I think it was me, Haley driving, Margaret, Kristi, and Alexis. I had everything all packed and ready to go for the big day, I literally slept with my disc under my pillow. We had a team meeting the night before, and I just remember that it was so electric. We cheered, "We are Menace!" after the meeting, and it made the room and my heart shake. It was amazing and I felt in my heart for the first time a real love for my team. I biked home that night and wanted to get in bed right away so it could be Regionals as soon as possible. My stupid roommate and her friends were in my room causing a big ol' scene, and since we weren't on speaking terms, I just got all my things ready for the tournament and jumped into bed while everyone was still in my room. I don't know how but I finally fell asleep, and I guess the adrenaline of it all really got to me, because I got a call from either Haley or Kristi that woke me up, and the voice at the other end of the line asked me kind of curiously, "Uh ... where are you?" I took one look at my alarm clock, realized I had missed it, and straight BOLTED out of bed. I think I might have ran to the bathroom naked, I don't remember. I somehow managed to brush my teeth and get dressed in about four minutes flat, and ran downstairs to them waiting for me in the car. It was ridiculous and very much emburrussing.

But anyway, Regionals was completely the opposite of Sectionals. Not only was it extremely sunny, but it was oppressively hot. I mean, heat stroke-hot. Again, I don't remember much of this tournament. I remember being on the sidelines, being amped as shit, but that's about it. The game I will remember most is our game against Northwestern. We finished our game early and walked over to the Northwestern/Notre Dame game, and I remember Tracy saying that she'd rather play Notre Dame, just because it's very hard to play a team for the third time (we played Northwestern at our home scrimmage and at Sectionals). It turned out to be Northwestern. I remember our warmup throws; I remember throwing with Diane and being extremely nervous, glancing over at Northwestern every once in a while in between throws. I could hardly contain my anxiety. I didn't play at all that game. I actually remember being on the sideline with a few of the other rookies praying that we WOULDN'T get put in, for fear of fucking up. That game was INTENSE. I felt like our best players never came out during that game. I remember one play where Meg had a layout bid on something, stood up and made kind of a funny face, but the game kept going on. I remember being close to someone's endzone when Ann started yelling for an injury time out, and we saw Meg walking towards us. She shows us her hand and her pinky is sticking out, basically like perpendicular to the rest of her hand. It was sick. I do remember that she actually went back into the game later. Everyone was on the sideline of that game. The Northwestern guys. Our team. Our parents and friends. Rich. It was truly electric and just sososo loud. Needless to say, we didn't win that game. I feel like we might have lost by a lot. I just remember seeing purple mob the fields. I felt sad for Ann and X, and I could see that they were disappointed, but I guess even then I didn't know what losing out on the chance to go to Nationals felt like.

I don't remember much about the fall of sophomore year. I had CS105 that year, and upon leaving one of our first lectures, I thought I might have seen Chansy walking out. Later that day at practice, I asked her if she was in that class, and indeed she was! We began sitting next to each other in lecture with crazy old Marsha and Chansy bringing her fucking Floral Design projects to class every day and then subsequently falling asleep. We'd have lecture and then go out and throw for a bit on the Quad, which was fun as hell. That's when I really started to open up, when I found out that Chansy was a complete freak. But anyway, the tournament that I remember most from the fall of my sophomore year is CCC. The thing I remember most is that that was when we sort of "debuted" our zone defense. The thing that was so intense about our zone defense was how much we TALKED. We sounded like just a WALL OF NOISE. The sidelines at all of our games were loud, focused, and intense as hell. It was amazing to hear and actually feel in your chest. There was nothing that could get by our D with the way we were talking. I'll never forget how that felt.

One memory that I will never forget for a long, long time, if ever is being on the trolley on Saturday night of Trouble in Vegas '08. I guess I'll just talk about Saturday a bit, because it was an epic one for us. We started off against Stanford B, and even though we bageled them, it took us a lot of effort, and we just weren't playing like ourselves for a little bit. We thought that wouldn't bode well for us, heading into our next game against then #1 in the country UCLA. I would dare to say that that was one of the first "big games" I've ever played in. I don't really know what I expected out of this game. UCLA still had that Big Five playing for them at the time (Gizmo, Taz, Cosmo, Kix, and Fresh ... Phresh?), and were ranked number one in the country at that point. If you don't know by now, UCLA is one of my favorite teams, because I saw them play an amazing game in the quarters of Nationals '07 against Wisconsin (another of my favorite teams). So the whole thing was kind of surreal for me. Meg was bombing to Tania, T-Bag was leaving girls in the dust, and Jen was just straight balling this game. I remember she got one SICK, just absolutely FILTHY sky D, one of many that she had that game, and we were all just freaking out.

I didn't get to play much that game, but oh man I will never forget when I did get to play. I don't know if we were all just so excited we couldn't see or maybe there was some sand in the air in the Nevada desert, but for some reason, NONE OF US realized that I was lined up across from Cheryl Prideaux, who is like, 5'10, 5'11 or something ridiculous like that -- and this happened TWICE. It wasn't until we ran down on D and got a little closer that each time my stomach would sink ... "ohhhh shit". OF COURSE Blu takes advantage of this matchup, and both times I am matched up on her, they give her the disc in the endzone. I think the first time Cheryl burns me deep, and the second time it was an errant throw that she layed out for. I really don't think Goose let me play anymore after that. Emburrussing.

After being up two points -- TWO POINTS on the TOP TEAM IN THE COUNTRY -- we ended up dropping that game. It was a tough loss, but it was so unbelievable for us to play that way, as a relative unknown. But after that, we had two more really tough, really close, gut-em-out kind of games against Wellesly and Cornell. It was hot as balls and we were tired as shit. I don't remember much about these games, but I do remember that fatigue in my legs. I remember that they were both tough wins, and we just worked harder and wanted it more. When it got hot, we got hotter. When we got tired, we just started running harder. It was awesome, and we ended the day 3-1 against some of the top competition in the country (keep in mind Vegas was still the premiere tournament at that time).

But possibly the best part of all of Saturday was "getting the call". We returned to our hotel and showered and most of the team (I think Jen had to stay in because she sprained her ankle? Was it this night?) was heading out to The Strip. We all got on the trolley and basically took up the whole dang thing, with only a few people in front of us. I remember sitting on that trolley, tired as hell but excited. Chansy got the call and we all were hushed for a second. We only heard Chansy's end of the conversation, but you could hear the excitement rising in her voice. She hung up the phone and said we were top eight. We started FREAKING. OUT. Everyone was shouting and laughing and giving each other hugs and high fives. Everyone started whipping out their phones and texting and calling friends. Out of however many teams were at that tournament, we were going to finish in the top EIGHT and compete for a shot at WINNING the tournament! It was so unbelievable and so surreal. The only thing that surpassed that unbridled joy and that happiness was making Nationals, it was that exciting at the time.

The first time I knew I could handle myself in a "big game" situation was our first game against Wisconsin at Texas Throwdown '08. I remember that tournament because it was cold as hell and there was snow all over the place. I was on the starting line because I was one of like eight people who had showed up to track practice before the tournament.
That track practice was intense. Murrles, Chansy, and myself had gone to Zorba's beforehand (BAD IDEA) and I was pretty sure I was going to be vomiting gyro all practice. Luckily I did not, but still. I don't remember what the workout was, just that it was sick and I remember sprinting my ASS off, next to Kristi and Peach, wanting to DIE, but knowing that I couldn't let up even for a second because neither Kristi nor Peach were going to let up, and I didn't want to get left behind. But anyhow, Texas Throwdown. We had something ridiculous like 10 or 11 girls that weekend, and standing on the line that first point, I was definitely more than a little nervous. We looked across and there was Wisconsin in their black with a strong sideline ... it was definitely intimidating. Needless to say, Bella put their first three points on the board pretty quickly. We kinda got caught with our jaws on the ground and didn't seem ready to play. We regrouped, and ran off something FILTHY like 10 straight points or something unbelievable like that. I just remember we were up, and we were up BIG. I don't think Wisconsin knew what hit 'em. We were just moving the disc and playing fluid offense. We were only like a point or two away from actually winning that game. We got totally caught up in that fact, and the game started to slip away. Wisconsin started building up steam again, and their big game ballers came through, as they only big game ballers know how to do. It went from a game we could be proud of to a game that we walked away from with our chins against our chests. We got so caught up in "just one more point, just one more point" that we just couldn't execute, at all. We dropped that game and didn't win any more games that weekend. I think we played Texas next? I don't remember much about this game. Apparently I scored, because there's a picture of it. But we still lost this game. And apparently we took so long to lose that game that Flywheel was basically already on the line for our next game, which was a total shit show. The snow had melted and the middle of the field was just a mud pit shit show. People just started slipping and sliding, and I think we definitely lost this one in a blowout. Our last two games of the tournament were against Truman State, I think. That second Truman State game is less memorable, I just remember getting reamed A LOT for something or the other, so obviously I don't try to remember that game. That first Truman State game was big because of the fight I learned from it. We watched T-Bagelface come out of this game, holding onto her shoulder in pain, and then we watched her go back in just a couple minutes later, laying out onto that same shoulder over and over. Other bystanders were saying how tough it was to watch, but imagine that it's your own teammate, and it's someone you really care about and look up to. It was hard to watch, but it also taught me a little something about battling through pain for something you really want.

It was also right before this tournament that I got "discovered". My blog had been live since February, but I don't remember who found it and who disseminated it, I just remember that it was a flurry of excitement and everyone was really amped for me. God, I was so geeked about it.

The Series was huge again for us this year. This time around, I knew a little more about what it meant, and I especially knew how much it meant for the upperclassmen on our team. Sectionals is sort of a blur. Once again it was in Naperville, and I just remember it raining the first day. We were supposed to do well, but lost to either Northwestern or UChicago or something like that? No wait, I think it was Northwestern, we just played really poorly against UChicago, and that shot our chances for winning the section. On Sunday, our theme was about constantly elevating our level of play and always raising the intensity. Poor Indiana kind of got the brunt of that, as we put up a couple points on them and sort of never looked back, we just kept tacking points on and getting Ds. We ended up playing Northwestern again on Sunday, and we won that game pretty convincingly, if I remember correctly. We went into Regionals feeling good about our ability to bounce back like that and to keep our intensity and focus at a high level. Saturday of Regionals was epic. I don't remember the first few games, I think we played Oberlin and someone else but I don't really remember. I remember the last few games of the day. We played Northwestern for third time in the Series, and this time around it was a totally different ballgame. It was Regies time and Northwestern came ready to play. Unforch, we were ready too. I remember there was one point, and it might actually have been me, Murrles, and Chansy, where there were three layout bids in a row. We didn't get any of those Ds, but we sure let them know that we were serious and ready to play. We ended up winning that game, which felt just amazing. We moved onto UChicago, who was our last game of the day. If we won that game, we'd move directly into finals the next morning, so it was a pretty high stakes game. I don't remember too much from that game, too much adrenaline, actually. I remember Michigan on the sidelines, watching, waiting. I remember mostly the points towards the end of that game. Going in to play D (lawl hilariously bad mark) was fine, just because all I had to do was run and make sure my girl didn't get the disc or didn't break me, but O was just horrifying. I was jittery as shit. I remember one pretty easy throw that I just miffed and I was lucky that the receiving end of my throw was either Kelly or T-Bag, I can't remember, because the throw went waaaaay too high and it was still caught. I think I was on the field for the last point of the game. Either way, I remember that point really, really well. Towards the end of the game it was getting a little chippy. The sun was setting, girls were getting tired, gut checks needed to be made. It was DGP. We were going upwind. So what does Megan do? Throw a hammer, of course. I think Peach caught it in the endzone for the win and it was just euphoric. So, SO epic. We went to bed that night knowing that we wouldn't have to get up early and fight our way through the backdoor bracket, which was super comforting. I'll never forget that feeling, waking up the next morning -- like, I'm playing in finals in a couple hours. Do you ever get tired of that shit?

I write a little bit about our game against Michigan a little bit later, so I'll skip that for now. Plus it wasn't that memorable so uhhh ...

The backdoor final against Michigan State. Although I think my ultimate career took four years to shape, if I had to pick just one game that made me want to turn it all around, I would pick this game. This game is the one that lit a fire within me, this is the one that made me want to improve and play so much better. This game is the one that fires me up to win games. We lost, 15-12. I'll never forget that score, and I'll never forget this game. They were killing us with their up the lines and their IO breaks. They were firing and playing well, while we took a little while to get into our rhythm, and we made a few miscues here and there. But it wasn't just that we lost this game that makes me feel about it the way that I do. It was the way that we lost. I heard some things from the Michigan State sideline that I NEVER thought I'd hear from another ultimate team, let alone any kind of team, really. The things I heard just aren't appropriate for sports, or for general use at all. You know, maybe it was the adrenaline that made me mistake what I had heard, but they said some pretty nasty stuff about us at Nationals too, which kind of confirmed it all for me. You just don't like losing like that, I guess, and you just don't like hearing that kind of shit.

I can't describe what it felt like to lose that game. Did we even shake hands after this game? I honestly can't even remember. But seeing your friends, your family hurt like that? I will never forget it. There are no words to describe that kind of total heartbreak. It wasn't just heartbreak for a lost shot at Nationals (because we were supposed to go that year), and it wasn't just heartbreak because I lost, it was heartbreak for my teammates, and it was the heartbreak over seeing them hurting so bad. You hear all this stuff about "Insert Team Name Here" Love, and that was one of the first times ever in my time in an Illinois uniform that I got it. I knew then what it meant to love the game just so much, and what it meant to love your teammates that much. I don't have a tight enough grasp of the English language to really do that feeling justice, so I won't describe it anymore, but that Sunday afternoon really changed me.

Playing ultimate in China was what saved me, I think. After all the work that went into the 2007-2008 season, I wasn't sure that I could put all that work in again only to feel what I felt at the end of the season. I was burnt out, jaded, and heartbroken. But I knew I couldn't resist staying away from ultimate for that long, and so before I left the States, I looked up Shanghai's ultimate league and e-mailed the captain of the club team. That first night of league was the BEST. Oh mylanta it just felt amazing to wear cleats and run around again. At first I struggled. I couldn't understand the horizontal offense and I didn't understand the handler movements for the ho stack. If you read far enough back, you can see that I actually hated it. But the more and more we played it, the more and more I learned about it. My teammates were amazing about helping me learn it, and I grew to love playing ho stack.

While Saturdays were a time for me to learn and get competitive again, league games were just plain fun. I was almost always the only girl to show up for our league games, so I played every single point and just had so much fun. Playing at night under the lights is kind of amazing. My favorite experience playing in China was playing with HuWa. Trying out was a very nervewracking experience. Starting out, I knew that there were some women who were just going to make it, like Sherry, Sara, and Emma. There were also apparently some ringers who had been promised spots, so my chances weren't looking great but I was optimistic. I was young and willing to do anything the team needed me to do, so I definitely had that in my favor. Matching up against Sara, Sherry, and Emma each Saturday provided all sorts of different challenges. Emma could do it all from cutting to handling. Sara was a quick handler with big throws. And Sherry was FAST. I mean, she was an older woman, but as fast as some of the faster girls on my college team. It was intense, and I HATED having to guard her every time. But I always learned from it. I got an e-mail from Alec one day, and I really hope I have it saved somewhere in my inbox because it was one of the best e-mails I had ever gotten. He said that I was on the borderline between the A and the B team, and that the choice was up to me. He said he was good about putting me on either team, and that someone I looked up to a lot as a player had said some really good things about me. That really inspired me, and I said I don't care how points I get to play, I want to play A team. So he put me on HuWa's roster for the Hong Kong tournament. That tournament was sick. We played right across the street from Ocean Park (AMAZING! CHILDHOOD MEMORIES!) and it was hot as shit. I don't remember a whole lot from the tournament, just that it was hot as balls and super fun. I got to play a whole lot more than they anticipated because Sherry missed her plane and was gonna come late. We lost to the Philippines' Sunken Pleasure, but beat both Singapore Freakshow and the ringer team, Ringers of Fire. I hurt myself something pretty fierce (this was definitely a "Mary Kate, touch me!" situation, had I known her back then) during the Sunken Pleasure game, but was able to make it through the rest of the day. But man oh man, it was that Sunken Pleasure game the next day, the semis of the tournament, that made me remember how much I LOVE competing and it made me SALIVATE for the Series. That game was sick. Everyone on Sunken Pleasure was crazy athletic and crazy fast, and it was a grueling, physical game. We were losing and it wasn't looking good for us. But we all just decided that we wanted it. I was still hurting from the day before, but I saw my teammates digging in (Donald had multiple just straight RIDICULOUS layout grabs in this game), and I knew I had to as well. My girl was cutting open side towards the sideline, I turn with her, knowing that she had committed to that cut. As the throw went up, I just knew that I wanted the D more than she could have ever wanted to catch that disc. We both went airborne and all I remember is hitting the disc with my left hand and both of us landing out of bounds. I went nuts, the sideline went nuts. I think we scored that point and we were mad on the comeback trail. We ended up losing that game, but DAMN. What a game! I wish someone had taped it or something.

Playing in China made me grateful for ultimate. It made me appreciate the game, and it taught me to love playing, and not necessarily the results. The whole experience recharged me and got me ready to go back to the States and just start working again.

The first tournament I played upon my return to the States was Pres Day. The first day was ... not memorable at all. We were terrible and lost all of our games. We taped those games and they are just UGLY to watch. Just not okay. We faced a pretty tough bracket on Sunday. We had to get through both Northeastern and Texas, both Nationals-caliber teams, just to get to pre-quarters. Our first game was against Northeastern. For whatever reason, we woke up from our stupor on Sunday morning and came at Northeastern just firing on every single cylinder. We were not just playing great defense, but we were playing amazing, fluid offense, something we had struggled with a lot on Saturday. It was amazing to see our team play that way, and there's a great picture that Rasa took of us smiling in the huddle at half time of that game.
It was a total 180 from the day before, both in terms of playing and in terms of our attitude. We won that game, and on came Texas. The Texas game was pretty close. It was back and forth all game, and I don't think either team let up for a second. All I remember is that Goose came out and said we had to score this one point, and we went out that did that. Afterwards, he said a silent, "We won." And just like that, we went from winless on Saturday to pre-quarters on Sunday. It was amazing. But I'll never forget pre-quarters. Why? Because we lost that game because of me. The game-winning goal was caught over me. I'll never forget that. We didn't want to let them go deep. I was matched on the last girl on the field. I got behind her. I thought I played pretty good defense on her going in. She took a couple hard steps at me, got me on my heels, and totally turnstiled me. She had me trailing behind her going deep, and the next thing I know people are shouting my name. We both turn at the same time, the disc is coming, I jump and bid for it, miss as she catches it, and her teammates go wild. It was the fucking WORST. Krystal said I looked like a sad meatball after the game. Thanks, Krystal.

Series '09 was also incredibly memorable. Sectionals was all business for us. We knew what we had to do and for the most part, we went out and did it. I think that maybe with the exception of North Park and Illinois B, like no one scored on us that first day. We was just ballin', man. We made it all the way to finals against Northwestern, which we lost on DGP, I wanna say. It was definitely not the way we wanted to lose, but unforch for us, we had Notre Dame right afterwards. Everyone was mad about the last game, tired, hungry, and cold, so it definitely wasn't a good combination stacking up for us. I'm pretty sure I made Mary give me like all her food (which included chocolate with orange in it, thanks Mr. Foster) and I scarfed it all down, straight up for thirteen cents a day you can feed me and the flies circulating my head lookin' ass. But we bounced back after a tough loss and we gutted that Notre Dame game out, although I'm sure no one really wanted to play that game.

And Regionals. Ah, Regionals. After Sectionals, we were all amped for redemption at Regies. We just wanted to come out and kill it. We DEFINITELY did not kill it in our first game against Valpo. We did not play well, and I think they might have actually gotten the most points on us all day. We beat Michigan State and Oberlin next, and awaited the winner of Notre Dame/Northwestern for semis. We were ALL expecting Northwestern, awaiting a rematch of Sectionals. But we checked the scoreboard and for whatever reason, Notre Dame beat them by a lot, which we were really surprised by. We were all a little curious, but headed into the Notre Dame game, just as determined to beat them as we were the first time around. This game was a little more electric than the last. Their men's team was on the sideline, and we had just seen our men's team make it to finals over Michigan just one field over and I think they might have stayed to watch for a bit. From the beginning that game was ours. I don't know what it was, but we just knew we were going to win it. And we did. It was *wipes hands* just business. We goin' to the 'ship.

Which leads us to Sunday, May 5, 2009: Also known as the best Sunday of my entire life.

I knew I had come full circle in our game-to-go against Michigan. In the 2008 version of this exact game, I played the first point. Jogged to the line, full of nothing but hope, knowing that I'd take whatever came to me that game. I don't remember if we started on O or D, all I remember is that by the hammer of Thor, I was matched up with Nelly Turley for that first point ... and she BLAZED my ass up and down that field. I was HUFF AS HELL after that point. In the 2009 version, I was just ready. Ready to play, and ready to show Michigan and the rest of our region what we were about. I know the exact moment I knew I wasn't a sophomore anymore -- I scored in the 2009 final game. In 2008, I remember having the disc as a handler on the break side of the field. I saw an open cut coming break, along the sideline. I half-assed a backhand fake, and without even coming back up at all really, I threw the backhand the second time ... straight into Nelly's hand. In 2009, we went with what worked best for us -- Kelly to T-Bag -- and T-Bag had the disc just a few yards out of the endzone. We made eye contact, and instead of cutting like a normal person, I started juking around horizontally, my defender bit really hard on the open side and so I immediately cut horizontally to the break and got a little backhand dish from Teh Bag for a score. I was literally cutting horizontally in like, a two foot space, and I know it was stupid, but I was holding that disc with a shit-eating grin on my face like, "Holy shit, I just scored." I was so different from the kid who played in that '08 final game.

But anyway, back to that game. I'm not sure that Michigan, or anyone else for that matter, thought we even had a shot in that game. We had never scored more than like 3 on Michigan at any tournament before that. But I think we knew we had a really, really good shot of winning. And man oh man we played better against them in this game than we had ever played against them before. I think that if it weren't for some of our red zone miscues, we might have actually won that game! I think we lost something like 10-15, but it didn't feel like a loss or a let down, at all. We played our hearts out, and I'm really proud of our effort in that game. After that loss, like I said, there was not one second of let down. We walked over to the shade to eat and get ready for our next game, but that was it. No moping about losing, just getting ready for the next game, whoever our opponent was. We just knew that we were going to come out and win that game.

I played the first point of the backdoor final against Ohio State. The only person I can remember being on the field with was Kelly Foster. OSU threw a cup on the first point. We were so good at zone O, sometimes I think we WISHED people would throw a cup on us. Anyway, I think the reason I can only remember being on the field with Kelly is because I only threw to her. I was handling on the non-trap side, and I would get yards, look upfield for a second or two, not see anything, and swing it to Kelly, and that's how it would go, over and over again. It took us a lot of throws, but we didn't turn it, and we were just smart and very, very patient. We scored without a turn. I remember the first person I high-fived after that point was Kelly. I think we said something to each other, but I don't remember what it was. I just remember slapping her five, smiling like, "We got this." And that's how that game went for us, basically. We just executed, and we knew that the only team that could beat us was us playing like idiots. Nothing against OSU at all, major props to them for making it that far when no one thought they would even be a part of the discussion in the first place, but I knew we were going to win that game. It didn't matter the opponent, I had no doubt in my mind we were going to win. Our points were going up on the board like boom, boom, boom. I never knew what the score was in that game, we just kept getting Ds and scoring. At one point, I remember walking off to the sideline, hands on my knees, listening to hear my name get called again, but I heard, "Kelly, Mary, Tania, Jen, Mel, Rachel, Kim". I looked up at whoever was next to me, made a thinking face, and said, "Senior line? Senior line." We knew then that it was game point.

I don't remember the details of that point very well, just seeing the disc go in Tania's hands, looking straight at the observer, waiting for the "in" signal, feeling my heart stop for at least seven seconds, and then freaking the fuck out. We all rushed the field and just started shouting and hugging. The same way that I don't have words to describe '08, I really don't have the words to describe '09. Simply amazing, and honestly one of the BEST days of my entire life. There was so much genuine happiness and so much real love for each other. Remembering what had happened a year earlier just made it that much sweeter. All that we had worked for for the past three years came to fruition, and it was exhilarating. Fuck around and I was EXUBERANT. That is one of the best memories of my life that I will cherish forever.










We can just skip Nationals because let's be honest, we sort of went downhill from there. It was fun and just amazing to be there, though.

And that brings me to this season. This season is still too fresh to write about, really, but I had a lot of fun. Sure, it was unbelievably stressful and at times even frustrating and a LOT of work and it most definitely did not end the way I had always dreamed it would, but I still gained a lot from this season. I already covered that, so I guess I'll let that be, but I'm sure that as I let the season sink in a little more, I'll be back here to write about it, rest assured.

So I went through a lot of on the field stuff, but a lot of my best memories of ultimate have also occurred off the field as well. I honestly can't even begin to name everything memorable that I've ever done with my ultimate team, I know I'll forget something but I'll try. I'll never forget all the dining hall dinners, not just swiping people in but getting swiped and coercing/persuading kids to swipe us in (that's how Margaret and I got girlfriends). I'm never going to forget eating at Firehaus and Zorba's, and our Tuesday night study sessions at McKinley. I remember the time Chansy skipped because Tila Tequila was on (SHE WOULD), and Murrles and I went anyway and like always, instead of studying we looked at ultimate photos/laughed at photos on Facebook. Oh Murrles, those were the times. I also remember the time Clurious went with us and watched that one Billy Bob Thornton movie (the fuck was that movie called?) instead of studying with us and then she cried! So heinous. And OH MYLANTA. Tuesday Night Throwing. Talk about shit show. From senior year when nobody went so Coach would have to work with me on my long throws ("Your throws don't look so good today." THANKS COACH), to sophomore year when Chansy, Margaret, and I would "practice" our greatests ... completely unnecessary, and Chansy hit me in the face with one. So dumb. OH AND TUESDAY NIGHT BOWLING! The best! We had the best themes, and ALWAYS came fresh and correct. Emo week was probably my favorite, as we went to Ihop beforehand and (of course) I saw Erin Johnson there. Of course. Oh and preppy bowling, good God that was a shit show. We looked so good though. I remember looking on the Quad Cam to see if people were out throwing, and then I'd go out if I saw people out there. I remember the time Chansy and I brought our cleats to CS105 and threw outside in the snow like a bunch of assbags with our cleats on, so serious. BAHA and then there was the time we practiced laying out in jeans, so ridiculous. Then of course there were my Trouble in Vegas McCarran Airport shenanigans, and if you want to go there, there is the whole debacle that was getting to Pres Day and getting stuck in the SUCK HOLE that is Atlanta thanks to the SPAWN OF SATAN that is Delta Airlines. THE WORST. But oh how that fortified our friendship. AND SB2K9!!! THE BEST SPRING BREAK TRIP EVER. Oh mylanta. Nobody took their tops off, except for maybe those of them who got stuck filming a porn for that old dude outside the Mexican restaurant? I don't know ... but ooooh what a fun trip. So many unnecessary abbreviations, so much cuteness. And I totally forgot, even after I talked about studying. I forgot about all those late nights spent with Sarah Distractin'stinkel at the Undergrad. From all the times we ended up "discussing" things to watching ridiculous ass videos/reading crazy ass news articles (my favorite has to be Nubbin' Beatdown) to silent video chats from across the table to leaving Sarah's phone number plus the letters 'B' and 'J' everywhere, we never got anything done but had unbelievable amounts of fun doing it. Unofficial ... oh mylanta don't even get me started there. Honestly. All those ridiculous parties, all those times at the bars, all those times we just did ridiculous ass shit. Heavens, I can't even really begin to recap all the amazing times I've had with my friends. Sometimes it's stuff you plan like the weekly dinner and studying or the bi-weekly bowling, and sometimes it's just stuff that happens. Like I remember falling asleep at Sectionals last year before anyone else, and Mary and Alexis came in the room and started playing the damn saxophone, which woke me up. T-Bag came in a bit later and we started rolling around and neither of us could sleep so we just stayed up talking about dumb ass shit. Or how at Pres Day this past year, a simple "getting to know you" question at In-N-Out with the rookies turned into a full-blown theological discussion, which was so informative and so fun, actually.

One of my favorite things to do with the team is tourney weekend Saturday night dinners. I LOVE eating together as a team, like a family. I love it. It's one of the best feelings ever to be sitting at a table filled with just people that you love, everywhere you look. I'll never forget Sectionals of last year. We were all at Alexis' house eating dinner, with Menace A, Menace B, fans, family, and Menace Alumni all there. There were something like four or five tables of Menace family, and it felt INDESCRIBABLE to be there among everyone, eating, laughing, and enjoying each other's company. I will always cherish that.

Outside of all the shits and giggles, a big part of my college ultimate experience was also work. I don't know that I've ever worked harder at any sport I ever did. Basketball was my love, so work didn't really feel like "work". I was never good at cross country so I kind of didn't try as hard as I maybe could have. But ultimate never came naturally at all. I was horrible at it. I didn't love it right away, so I had to learn to love the work. I had never really put time in the weight room in high school, and whenever I was in there I was always fucking around. But it was serious in college. I came home freshman and sophomore years having put on pounds of muscle (LEGIT), and none of my shirts fit the same way anymore in the sleeve area. Getting my ass kicked every single practice was not fun. It SUCKS to not be good at a sport when your whole life has basically revolved around sports. I mean, I wasn't even decent for a really long time. I had to work for where I'm at now.

I will never forget track practices. I am ENDLESSLY thankful that my lazy ass will never have to do anything like that again. I think RACH put it best -- the red trashcans always reminded you that it's possible to run so hard that you might actually need them. I've needed them -- a LOT. That thick air and the unforgiving surface. If you think asthma is bad outside, it's WORSE indoors. Just walking in the damn building elicited at least seven asthma attacks from me. But nothing is like pushing yourself through the workouts. I basically never win workouts. My two main goals in the workouts are to a. finish and b. not die. As much as I HATE running, I have to admit that I secretly love workouts where you're running on nothing but fumes, and you're only continuing to go because your teammates are pushing you. That's the best feeling. Sure, you run on your own, but you finish because of your teammates. When I'm all the way on the other side of the track, reading a book in the sky, feeling like I'm just going to give up, and I hear my teammates on the other side, cheering for me, it always made me take that turn that much faster and it always made me sprint that straight away that much harder. I love the way it hurts after you've pushed yourself particularly hard, and you can't even stand up, let alone sit up straight, after a good workout. I love that even if I've died or had a massive asthma attack, I can still get up and laugh with my teammates about fifteen minutes later. I learned a lot about myself from track workouts. I learned that the limits I set for myself in my head are completely arbitrary, and when you think you can give no more, you can always dig a little deeper and give just a little more. Track workouts taught me to dig deep, push hard, and never let up. Your teammates aren't going to let up, so you shouldn't either. And you shouldn't let them give up. You shouldn't let yourself give up, ever. I want it to hurt so bad at practice that nothing could even come close to hurting that bad in game situations. And hell, if it does, then I know what to do. You put the work in there and it really pays off. I feel like that's a true bonding experience, going through track workouts at the Armory together.

Luckily for me though, I've been taught by the best. I've learned everything I know about ultimate from Menace Alumni, both the skills to succeed and otherwise. I came in not knowing a lick about ultimate, and they taught me everything I know now, from forehands to scoobers to push passes. I learned so much about loving the game, loving your teammates, and pushing yourself. I learned the value of hard work, and I learned what it means to be a good teammate and a good competitor.

And all of that was supposed to prepare me for this last year of ultimate.

This year, as captain, the stakes were higher. It went from "I wanna go to Nationals!" to "I cannot let this team down." I realized that I needed to take every dropped disc, every errant throw, and every disc that got D'd on my shoulders. I couldn't be a little spark plug like I was the last couple seasons, where I'd go in every other point or so, be energetic and crazy, and then sit out again. I had to be calmer, more stable, and more composed. I needed to set a good pace and demeanor for my team, and I needed to make sure I didn't overexert myself because the reality was that I'd be playing a lot more points than I was used to. I started to take playing and practicing more seriously because I knew I had more responsibility for what happened on the field.

To be honest, I wasn't sure if I could lead and if I could teach the way all the seniors had done so before me. But then I thought about how much it hurt to lose, but more than that, how much I wanted to win. I thought about 15-12 and losing to Michigan State and how I never wanted any of my teammates to EVER feel the way that we felt that day, and I knew that I was ready to go. I remembered what May 5, 2009 felt like, and I wanted all my young teammates, most of whom had never felt that, to feel it, and I knew what I was after.

And at first, it was unbelievably difficult. Losing so many studs definitely hits your team morale and team identity hard. But I knew that that only meant that we had the highest ceiling for improvement in our region. I didn't know if I could get my teammates to believe in our team the way that I did. I mean, our results certainly didn't match up with the image of the team I had in my head.

I thought about what everyone must have thought of us. I thought about Midwest Warmup, and how our #10 seed was probably undeserved. I'm sure everyone ranked below us had something to say about it. I thought about the CCC posts on RSD, boasting that a Nationals qualifying team, Illinois, was attending the tournament. I thought about how everyone in the rest of the country was probably snickering, "Yeah, like Illinois is really a draw for us." Especially after our poor performances at both No Wisco and Warmup.

But more than on a team level, I felt like there was a lot of personal scrutiny I had to deal with, too.

One word -- eight letters -- stared me in the face for eight months -- "mediocre". People always tell me not to take things so personally, not to take things so seriously, but that's in my personality, it's in my nature. So naturally, after I realized that general consensus was that I was "mediocre" (your word, not mine), I went home and wrote it on my mirror. So for the next eight months, every time I looked in my mirror, that word was staring me in the face. Every time I went to put my contacts on, I read that word when my vision re-focused. Every time I walked into my room, that word stared me in the face.

I wrote it there so that every time I tried to turn back into my room to pass out in bed instead of going to the gym or going out to run, I would have to see that word ... "mediocre". I wrote it there so that every time I was getting ready to go to practice, I would have to see that word -- "mediocre" -- and remind myself how hard I had to work at practice to get better. I wrote it there so that every time I'd do the final check of my room to make sure I had everything I needed for a tournament, I would have to see that word -- "mediocre" -- and remind myself how hard I had to play and how much I had to want it.

And so I worked hard at practice. So I ran. So I lifted. So I threw. I worked to make myself a better player, and not just to help my team and not to silence the haters, but I did it for myself. I wanted to prove to myself that I could step up when my team needed me to. I wanted to prove to myself that I am not mediocre. I may not be X or Ann Dailey or whoever other stud we've had in the past, but I'm not mediocre.

I'm short, slow, and unathletic. But beneath my genetically inferior chest beats a heart that is strong. I don't give up. I can fall -- or you can knock me down -- seven times and I'll get up eight. I don't step down from a battle, and I will never be afraid to grind. I may never be the most skilled player on the field, but I will always aim to work the hardest. That's all I can do.

I called the end of this season the end of an era because that's what it feels like. In four months I'll be an afterthought. In four years, no one on the team will know my name, and if my proposed Alumni Weekend idea ever takes off, I'll just be that fat, slow loudmouth Asian at the alumni game. In a couple months, it'll be like we were never here.

In a larger sense, that's how it'll be in the game of ultimate for me, too. The women I have looked up to in this sport will never know my name, let alone how much they have influenced and inspired me. If I passed any of them on the street, they wouldn't know my name or face. I never won any championships, never won any awards, never warranted any recognition, and was never a great player.

But I look back on where I came from and I'm fucking proud.

I've done a lot of shitty things in my life. I've made a lot of mistakes. I've done things I'm not proud of. But I'm really proud of what I've done in the four years I spent wearing an Illinois jersey. I went from a slow, unathletic, asthmatic kid who never got to play to a slow, unathletic kid who learned how to work. I remember last winter when we were indoors practicing long throws and Goose told me and Margaret to work on our midrange throws on the side of the Armory while everyone else practiced long throws on the Armory floor. I worked so that I could not only make those throws, but throw those throws well by this winter. I remember when I couldn't throw a forehand in the still wind, and now I can handle in the wind. From freshman year to senior year was just night and day, and even though I will never be one of the "great names" in Illinois history, I feel confident that I could work and play hard with any of them and be proud of that.
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College ultimate, and ultimate in general, you have been very, very good to me. The community that I have grown to love is so amazing and so tight-knit. I've gotten to meet so many amazing people, both through playing and through this blog, and I've met them all across the globe. I've gotten words of encouragement from complete strangers in times when I've needed it most and I can't even begin to tell you how many random people have come up to me at tournaments and asked if I'm "that one blogger". I've gotten to talk to a lot of incredible people, and some of these people have even become my friends. I've gotten to play ultimate on two different continents, and I've played against people from all different countries and backgrounds. I've played at NATIONALS. And I feel extremely blessed for all of that.

To all the incredible people I have met through ultimate, thank you for making my life better just by being a part of it. I know I'll continue to meet great people, and I hope people keep on reading this blog and continue coming up to talk to me at tournaments and the suchlike. Honestly, playing college ultimate and meeting all the great people I've met has been like living in a dream.
_________

Menace, this is it. Menace of the Future, I'm leaving now. Now it's time to sit back on the sidelines with my lens in hand and heckles a'plenty.

I don't know what's in store for you. I don't know what other teams are bringing to the table next year. I don't know how hard it's going to be for you. I don't know who of you is going to step up. I don't know how much you'll need to get you to where you want to go.

But I do know one thing: play with passion, and play as a team, and you'll be just fine.

I don't know what it takes to be an All-Region player. I don't know what it takes to win the Callahan. I don't know the exact formula to use to bring a team to Nationals. I don't know how to get D's or get open at will, I don't know how to sky people, and I don't know how to manufacture goals. I may not know these specific answers that would surely launch the team to new heights, but I have learned a thing or two in my years on the team.

What I've learned is that you don't quit on your family. When the going gets tough, you gut it out together, you don't leave each other behind. When someone on your team needs you, you have to be there to pick them up, knowing full well that if the situation were reversed, your teammates would be there for you too. If your teammate is down, that means you're down, too. Your teammates are there to push you and make sure you don't give up, and you're there to do the same. When one of you falls, the other is there to help them up and make sure they get right back into it. You play together, you run together, you work together, and you hurt together. Until you can hurt together and feel pain together, only then can you achieve success and happiness together.

What I've learned is that the little things matter. It's in those extra sprints you run, in those extra throws you make after practice. It's in taking throwing and catching seriously, and it's in giving the same effort at practice that you'd give in a game. The same focus that you put into catching a disc at practice is the same focus that goes into catching a disc in a game. Things like agility workouts and weightlifting might seem trivial and just a way to bide time until the ground thaws and the snow melts, but that isn't the case. That kind of stuff translates onto the field as well. You don't see top defenders getting tripped up on their own feet as they backpedal and shuffle, and you don't see top cutters losing their balance while changing directions on a dime for an in-cut. Lifting weights isn't just for funsies and it isn't to get cut, it's to get strong so you don't get hurt as easily and so your body bounces back more readily after stress. It's so that you can throw a little further, run a little harder, and layout just a little further.

What I've learned is that the price of greatness is pain and sacrifice. You don't grow and get better from sticking to what you know and staying in your comfort zone. You grow and get better by challenging yourself. You go out and find the best player you can guard and you step up to that challenge. You find the best team you can find and you go out and you try to beat them. Even if you get burned by that player and even if you get beat something embarrassing by that team, you have something to learn from it, and at least you can say that you stepped to that challenge with your chin up and fight in your heart. You have to push yourself to levels of discomfort that you're afraid of. It's in those marginal areas of pain that you're going to get better. You have to push yourself past the pain and push yourself past the limits and barriers that you've set for yourself. What's the worst that could happen? You throw up? So throw up and pat yourself on the back. You don't get better without work, and if that means you have to sacrifice, then that's the price you have to pay. It might mean you have to budget your time a little better. It might mean you don't get to go out as much or be as reckless with your body as you'd like. Think about all the teams that have won National Championships in the past and all the teams that are competing for a National Championship this weekend in Madison. You think those girls are gonna skip a practice because they have an exam in two days? You think those girls are gonna stop running or lifting because it hurts? You think they're going to back down from a matchup because they're afraid to lose? You don't make excuses if you want to be a champion.

So I guess that's all I know. I hope that in the time I've been there, from the work and the time I've put in, you've been able to get something out of it. If nothing else, I hope you got how much I love the team, and I hope that that has transferred onto you, too.

When you stand on that line, know that you're not only seven strong -- you're on that line representing your teammates, those who wore the Illinois jersey before you, and those who will wear it after you.

Wearing the Illinois jersey isn't about fucking around and showing up to practice whenever the hell you feel like it. It isn't about giving up when it gets hard and taking the easy way out. It isn't about doing anything half-assed and not giving it your all.

Wearing the Illinois jersey is a privilege. It's pride, it's hard work, it's passion, it's intensity, and it's love. That's what I've gotten from wearing the Illinois jersey.

I met some of my best friends in life through this team. As I've described in painstaking detail, some of the best memories of my life have been with this team. I don't know that I've ever laughed harder or been more ridiculous than I have with anyone else. You guys are the best. You've been there for me in my darkest times, when I've been in the deepest of depressions. You've been there for me every time I've fallen, and whenever I've needed a hand, one of you has helped me up in one way or another. Of course I'll always remember all of our unbelievably good times, but more than anything I'll remember you there when you didn't have to be, when good times seemed so far away. More than just my friends, you all are my family, and I love you all like members of my own family.

So where do I go from here?
My body is certainly happy that I'm done with ultimate. By now everyone knows about my stupid concussions. I woke up, choking in a pool of my own blood one night about a week after my second concussion, so yeah, I know pretty well about that shit, and it is THE WORST. You also probably know about my financial woes (Thanks a LOT Mettler. I thought we were tight, Keith). I've gotten into some trouble paying for the treatment of the stress fractures I had in both my tibias last year. Quite unforch, I didn't give them the time they needed to heal, and after laying low for about a month, I got right back into the swing of things before my legs properly healed. I found out after winter break this year that I had developed yet another stress fracture in my left tibia, and as the spring wore on I developed one in my right foot. Then there's the knee that's been killing since my basketball days, and it all chalks up to this: my body is PLEASED as punch that I'm done playing.

I'm sure I'll suffer from a bit of an identity crisis -- the two biggest parts of my identity are gone. In the span of one week, I went from: "Hi, my name is Joann, I'm a senior at the University of Illinois, and I play college ultimate." to: "Hi, my name is Joann. I'm unemployed and I live at home with my parents." It's going to be pretty weird to figure out who I am and what to do with myself when I don't have ultimate to take up all of my time and my thoughts anymore.

I'll leave my fifth year untouched -- I'm not going to grad school like I had planned, and to be honest, as much as I love playing ultimate, I'm not sure I could invest myself into another college team the way I invested myself into Illinois. I'll definitely play in leagues from here on out. If I can dedicate the time to it, I guess I'll play club. I'd like to play with Spicy Tuna again; everyone on that team was super cool, and I had a lot of fun. Plus it would be amazing to get the chance to play with Kelly Foster again. I absolutely cannot wait to start my Illinois Alumni team, Senor Briefcase/Boner Jamz/Bromance.

I'll definitely keep going to tournaments to watch and take photos, like I'm doing for Nationals this weekend. Maybe I'll find the money one day to buy a really nice lens, and I'll photograph for realsies instead of just for fun. You'll definitely see me on the sidelines for a lot of Menace tournaments, just heckling and being a general obnoxious nuisance.

So long story short. I don't really know where I'm going to be, on the ultimate field and otherwise. It's kind of a whole new chapter of life for me right now, and while it is extremely pants shittingly scary, it's also very exciting.

And while my future in ultimate is uncertain, I'll always be true to my history -- I am Menace.