Nationals '08: Sideline Perspective

So like an hour ago I fell asleep from far too much physical activity in the past few days, and I had this really weird dream in which Yael Naim asked me to shave her head while we listened to the new Death Cab. It was absolutely bizarre. But anyway, I figured it must have been my cue to get up and write.

So uh ... Natties '08 WHOOOOOOOO!
Despite missing out on a real trip to Natties, a few of us decided to take the trip out to Bro-ulder anyway, and even though it was obviously tough to watch at times, I had a good time, despite my misfortune continuing even into my vacation.

What misfortune, you ask? Oh, well just the same type that won me Most Unfortunate, you know. The kind of misfortune where you get a full-body electric shock from trying to plug your laptop into one of those RV outlet things. You know, like when your heart stops momentarily and about half your life flashes before your life. The kind of misfortune where you contract incurable strains of herpes and pink eye at the same time from putzing around in some disgustingly hot pinball arcade in the absolutely jumpin' town of Lyons. The kind of misfortune where you're camping and you can't fall asleep all night because you're so cold you can't feel your face, and then when you finally do find a little bit of comfort by curling up into a ball in the middle of your sleeping bag, cutting off all air circulation for the night, some fuckass that you totally hate named MaryKim decides to spoon you and make you even less comfortable. The type of misfortune where you and your friends go horseback riding at a Czechoslovakian-owned ranch called American Safari and you get to ride the one-eyed horse with a pink, fleshy, and EMPTY eye-ball socket. The type of misfortune where you get a rash-forming, hyperventilating asthma attack from going approximately 0.000001 miles an hour on a horse, and from just being in Colorado, actually. You know, that type of misfortune.

ANYWAY, ultimate-wise, the weekend was great. I got to play Flutterguts and throw left-handed (I'm a righty) like an asshole in between games, I got to sit around and watch ultimate all day and in the process of doing so I got a great tan, and there were tons of photo opportunities all around. I mostly followed around the Illinois men, Wisconsin women, and UCLA women, switching from game to game taking pictures and getting yelled at to stay behind the spectator line, so I can't tell you much about the games and what happened in them etc., but I had little observations.

For one, the Florida men's orange uniforms are absolutely terrible. Like, who told them that'd be a good idea? My own mother would not tell me that I looked good in one of those jerseys. Did anyone even want to trade jerseys with them? I can't even start talking about those wretched things, they are so incredibly hideous. Good God. Oh, and their cup? Don't get me started.

As for the women, Wisconsin sure knows how to make a comeback. Both their Texas and Oregon games were heart-stoppers, very entertaining. At one point when they were down against Oregon and it wasn't looking very good for them, Meg almost yelled, "Come on, Bella Donna! You've come back from worse before! Like against us!" And then we got sad for a minute. Haha whoops. But like I said, it's true. The way they just locked down and handled their shit was just really cool. And Emelie McKain? Just plain recockulous. I'm officially starting a fan club. Who's in? She's sick. The breaks, the composure, the layout grabs ... goodness. I told my former life part -- uh, friend who plays for Marquette that if Emelie McKain didn't win Central Region FOTY I'd eat all my dirty socks I have reserved for ultimate and she was just so skeptical. But honestly, when have I ever steered anyone wrong when it came to ultimate predictions? ... BAHAHAHAHA OK OK that was just a joke for you and me, based on how shitty my predictions record has been this year. Anyway, like I said, Emelie McKain, involved in some of the balleringest things I saw all Natties weekend. Amazing.

Other than when we played them at Vegas, I haven't seen UCLA play in person yet this year, so it was awesome to be able to watch them play a few times. I'm disappointed they didn't make finals, what with all the "Blu.S.A." and "Red White and Blu" cheers I'm sure people had all game-ready and all that. But all tomfoolery aside, Angie "Taz" Sanan is as good as advertised; more than once my teammates and I would turn to each other and say "That was preeeetty" after one of her throws. She just seems so ... chill, for lack of a better word. Just really laid-back, never looked like she was panicked at all. Haha great example of this was UCLA vs. North Carolina. Taz is something like 6 or 7 yards out of the endzone. It's at stall seven. Her dump comes up behind her, stall eight. Taz goes, "Oh, hi!" and dumps it at stall nine. HILARIOUS. And I really, really just can't say enough about her throws, honestly. Just smoother than McLovin'. Also from UCLA, Yvonne "Cosmo" Leung was plain beasting those cutting lanes. Every time I looked she was open, and she was tooling people in and deep. She also had that one ridiculous layout grab a few yards out of the endzone, setting up a Blu score I wanna say ... also in the North Carolina game? Either way, I was sure that it was a turn but nope, just a set-up for glory.

Oh, and Gina Phillips from Texas? BALLIN'. I saw her get multiple huge D's, including a straight prison layout D during the Wisconsin game, her throws were slick as hell, and her puts were just really God dang pretty. If you all recall, Gina Phillips is the same baller who got that sick catch block to end the game against us at Texas Throwdown. Ball on, Gina. Ball on. Finally, I'm glad I got to see Kira Frew play again. She played balls out in that finals game, and if I made a list of all my girlfriends who didn't know they were my girlfriends, she'd be on that list. "Mighty Mouse" is definitely a fitting nickname for her. Just ... wow. She's a complete player if I ever saw one, and she just knows how to dominate, dude. Her waist-high layout D in the endzone in the first half of that championship game was just plain amazing. She's just really badass, is what it is.

(I have more pictures in my Stalkerbook albums if you want to see them. They're dece.)

Oh, so I wanted to talk to you guys about something for a sec. How many celebrities have you met in your life? I waved at George H. W. Bush at an airport in Japan when I was 4 (I can't remember if this was Georgie pre- or post-puking on the Japanese prime minister). I was 4, I didn't know what I was doing, give me a break. When I was in the fifth grade I got Tim Floyd's autograph at O'Hare Airport. When I was a sophomore in high school, I stayed in the same hotel and was in the same elevator with Ashlee Simpson (again, not a moment to be proud of). I also saw Julia Stiles in a parking lot while she was in Chicago filming "Save the Last Dance". Barack's wife went to my high school, and Michael Jordan's younger son goes there now too.

OH, and I also hugged a Callahan winner, no big.
Congratulations Joe and Courtney (yes, first-name basis, I do what I want)!
There's a lot of talk about whether or not someone else should have won, both open and women, but that's one leaf I'm leaving unturned. Obviously, people voted for them, and that's enough for me.

Surge is the fastest woman in ultimate (One time, Surge hit me in the face ... it was awesome), and JMan is the fastest man in ultimate. Even former D1 sprinters can't beat 12 year old boys, and JMan could high-step at the end and you still can't make it close. What? The Midwest breeds speed, bro, don't mess. Oh, and I'm officially the best at Lookin' Ass. Firstly, I gave an intro course on Lookin' Ass to Meg at our resort, and secondly, no one dared challenge me. That is true balling (even more balling than the girl who dropped a quarter on the ground at Firehaus and didn't give a shit). If Lookin' Ass or Flutterguts were real sports, I'd be bomb-ass at them, just saying.




But biggest disappointment of the weekend?
Having to see my favorite team, Michigan State, on the championship field on Sunday, even if it was only for a Spirit Award. Keep in mind, this is the same team that said they'd slit my teammate's throat open, when they knew I was standing right there. This is the same team that shamelessly called us all bitches, that called us out by number and talked shit in earshot of our players. This is also the same team who at Nationals decided it was in good taste to have this conversation in the presence of our team:

Michigan State A: Oh look, the losers are here.
Michigan State B: Who, the Illinois women?

But hey, I don't know, maybe you were really nice at Nationals. Maybe you were really nice to everyone and maybe you were cordial and friendly and maybe even sweet. Who knows, maybe you save all your malice for Illinois. If that's the case, well, that's okay. Congratulations, Michigan State. You're "the most spirited team in ultimate".

But don't sleep on us. I think I'm speaking for most if not all Illinois players when I say that we're gearing up for a rematch next year. I know that I won't stop working on my body and my game until I'm shitting intimidation and pissing excellence. This means that I won't be eating anything other than Harold's Chicken (the king of fried chicken, one of my favorite restaurants that includes bullet-proof glass for the cash register), I won't be wearing anything other than cut-off t-shirts that say things like "I Eat Shits Like You for Fourthmeal" and "The Claire Wright and Melissa Blackford Lifting Club", and I won't be listening to anything other than "Eye of the Tiger" and "What Goes Around ... Comes Back Around". I call it Project FEAR THE FUCK NOT. Because fear the fuck not, I'll be ready for you by the time I come back from communist China. I'm beast you guys, you just don't know! (Christian Siriano single-handedly saved me from a life without laughter, true story.) So get ready.


All in all, I think this trip was a huge learning experience.

I learned some things about ultimate from watching some of the best players in the country. I got to see players I only ever get to read about, like Kira Frew, Shannon O'Malley, and Taz play. I got to see the way that championship-caliber teams interact and play together. I saw players do stuff I only wish I could do, and I hope I can learn to do in my remaining years of playing.

And not to be corny, but I also learned a lot about life.

For example, being janky, my friends, does not pay off. If you decide that you want to do coke and then have sex in the bushes at Nationals, at least remember to put on sunscreen and then fix your skirt afterwards. JANKY SHIT. If your clothes have no business being off, it's just my philosophy that you should keep them on, you know? Also, if you choose to have sex in the hot tub at resorts in Breckenridge, do know that all of room 7460 judged the shit out of you, even the ones who did not witness the actual fornication from a mere few yards away. You are just shameless, honestly.

Also, if you ever happen to be bored and every book in the world is checked out from the library (Seriously, Harold Washington Library? "No Country for Old Men" has been checked out since December? Okay.), you can always go the romance novel route. I mean, they're good, you know. People are always shitting on them and I haven't the slightest idea why. They're very well written. The following words are found quite commonly in epic romance novels (namely Sandra Hill's "The Very Virile Viking" ... I wish that I just made that name up, but I shit you not, it exists, and Sandra Hill is probably the best at raunchfest novels): nipples, turgid, protruding, cleft, curls, wet, and increasing arousal, and everyone is named either Magnus or Angela. But uh, don't ask me how I know that.

I also learned a lot of great heckles, and have applied them to other areas of my life. For example, in Lyons, Colorado, while "the fuzz" was busting some people having sex/doing coke/aborting babies in a ditch on the side of the road, I was across the street yelling, "WHY DID YOU EVEN COME?!" Also, while walking back from the refrigerator as we were watching "I Am Legend", I tripped on some pillows and commented, "It's dark as fuck ... I can't see shit!" And then, just two days ago, while I was going to pick my little sister up from school, some terrible emaciated scum-sucking road whore skeletor of a woman in the SUV behind me screamed out her window, "COME ON!" when I didn't decide to turn into oncoming traffic and risk my life and my beloved 2007 sandstone grey Honda Civic RICE ROCKET, causing her to have to sit behind me for an extra half a minute. Upon hearing this, my neck twinged a little, I felt the rage blackout a brewin', and it took everything in me not to just turn off my car and sit there for five minutes in front of her. So I looked her straight in the eyes in my rearview, flashed my cheesiest shit-eating grin at her, and opened my window and screamed, "WHY DON'T YOU GO DO SOMETHING YOU'RE BETTER AT? SUCK A DICK!" and turned left. Thanks Colorado-B, you taught me that winner.

Real talk though, I want Nationals more than ever now. Seeing teams that we've beaten playing in The Show sucked really hard, and I just ... I just want everything I saw. I want the excitement of cleating up before one of the biggest tournaments of your life, I want the butterflies in your stomach right before that first pull, I want the adrenaline of that first layout D, I want that satisfaction at the end of the day, knowing that you're one of the best 16 teams in the country. More than that though, I learned just how quickly time passes, just how much you have to appreciate even just the little things, like playing ultimate with your friends. It's a blessed life we live, and I got reminded of that a lot this weekend.

Anyway, I had a great time in Bro-ulder. thanks to Xtehn and 5 Ultimate for letting me mooch off their juice and for their amazing shorts, thanks to Texas Melee for the cheers, and thanks to Cozza for saving my battery-life. What a weekend.

So that's my perspective of it all. Great tournament, great ultimate, great fun. I loved it all and I'm glad I went. On to summer ultimate now, I suppose. The CUSL kickoff hat tournament is occurring this Monday, and I'm more than a little geeked to get to cleat up again.

Oh speaking of summer ultimate, if you're looking for a club team to play on, MaryFuckassKim and I are planning on starting an all-Asian (don't be fooled by the name, you don't have to be 100% Asian to be on the team; honorary Asians are negotiable) All-Star team. We're going to be called Señor Briefcase, not to be confused with Mr. Briefcase. Holler.