This joint goes out to Kimmy D: Between a Rock and a Hard Place

For all of you who didn't see the secret message in the "Devious" post:

Lawl, Arnold.

So I sort of promised (without really promising) Michelle that I would do this so she wouldn't be bored at work. You'll be happy to know, Michelle, that my head is swimming with posts. Maybe one day I'll get my shit together and I'll be able to write about it all.


That said, a collection of random thoughts:
1. This is SO FUCKING SWEET. I ran/struggled on that cross country team only four years ago. Holy shit. Putting on for those city sidewalks, baby. Let's go Dolphins!
2. What do you call your cousin's child? Well, whatever he is to me, my cousin's kid Josh is SO CUTE. PRECIOUS. ADORABLE. I don't even know enough words to describe how ADORABLE he is. Oh my God. I want to start a baby blog about him, and he's not even my child.
3. Sammy Sosa TERRIFIES me. As a warning, I'm just letting you know not to click on this link if you're alone, in a dark room, or are generally easily frightened, because I was scared SHITLESS. Here it is, click at your own discretion: http://news.spreadit.org/pics/sammy-sosa-skin.jpg. Happy Friday 13th, for real. Ugh.

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Midwest Warmup. Interesting that I'm actually writing about it within a week of it happening. Welp.

As some of you may know, Warmup was the debut of Illinois' brand new coach, everyone's best friend and my favorite: Cathy Chu. Let me tell you, she was prepared. Got the clipboard. The spreadsheet she made all by herself. Showed that white board what was what! In all seriousness, I can't say how thankful I am for having a coach. Even after just one tournament without one, I knew that I liked having one waaaay better than not. It's great to have a coach who knows her shit, too, and knows how to inspire/instruct her team to greatness. I mean, she was there all weekend with great shit like, "Axis, get behind your girl! You're making me nervous." So good. The Chu Monster is a BFD. Just saying.

Anyway, the weekend started off hilariously. For one of the first times ever, I left my apartment on-time, and made it to Kimmy D's when I told her I would be there. She asked if we could go pick up her sleeping bag, which was in her car, parked in a parking lot on Lincoln. Shyeah, anything for you, Kimberly! So there we are in the parking lot, waiting for Kim to do something that would take literally, maybe a minute at most. I am watching Skim Milk take her sleeping bag out of her trunk, when I turn my head and notice a van about to back up into the front left wheel of my car. I start honking like a mad woman, but to no avail, because she hits me anyway. Luckily she wasn't going as fast as she was when she first started backing her car up so the damage wasn't that serious, but it was annoying nonetheless. She was very frantic and explained that she was in a crazy rush because her cat was vomiting phlegm and she just got an appointment with the emergency vet and whatnot. Old girl was frazzled! Anyway, information was exchanged and whatnot and then we each headed out on our separate ways ... except there was only one way to exit the parking lot and we were right behind her. Welp. We noticed the cat cage thrown all askew in the trunk of the van. Nice, Allison. Maybe that's why your cat was vomiting phlegm. Anyway, I guess starting off bad just meant that things could only go up, because I was pretty lucky the rest of the trip. I was in the left lane on the way to St. Louis going a mere 60mph, and there was a cop just sitting there waiting for foolz like me. Probably the first time in my life I've only gone 60 in the left hand lane, and a cop was there. Whew. And then on the way back home, this one super sly cop had his car positioned in such a way so that no one even noticed he was there. I went by him at 80 in a 65, but he didn't even budge. Praise be! So ... thanks, Allison. I guess.

Anyway, first game of the weekend was against St. Louis. First and last time I've ever remembered playing them was in the finals of CI '09. It was a pretty good game, embarrassing as it was. Anyway, this SLU team wasn't exactly like the team we faced back in '09, but they were still tough and made us work. So hard in fact I was brutally attacked by my asthma, but y'know, it happens. This game was sort of a mess. I think a lot of us are in agreement that if we had played this game later in the day, we could have had a better shot at winning. I don't know what was up with us. We weren't running our dump sets correctly. We KEPT fucking up on the goal line. I counted up to 8 failed attempts to score, and then I stopped keeping count. Shit was bad. Anyway, we ended up losing to SLU 5-10. We had a bye, which I actually don't remember at all. I think I went over to the Bro Claire/Missouri State game, but I don't know what else I did. Eh. Anyway, after the bye we went up against Harding, a team that threw mostly cup. It was a really great opportunity for our team to practice zone O, which we had worked on a lot before the tournament. This game provided us our first win of the weekend, 13-4. Whoo. Matched our No Wisco output! Baha anyway, we actually took a long time to play that game, and had to turn right around to play North Park, a team we're pretty familiar with. Like I said, they're always a pretty athletic, quick, scrappy team. They don't give up on discs, which is just really dangerous. They played to all their strengths this game, and went up pretty quick. Their deep game was working, so we decided to switch it up and play zone d, which is not something we've really done in tourney situations or even really practiced that much. I was really impressed by how everyone played, and we were able to make things a little bit harder for them. In the end, we still lost, 5-13. Our last game of the day was against Iowa State, a team we last played at Nationals. I remember that game only for all the pain. Haha Cozza has a photo of it. This tall girl on their team takes me for a ride deep. I am caught unawares, but turn on the burners and catch up to her. I'm in position for the D and everything! Anyway, she skies the shit out of me, just like in the Minnesota game at No Wisco. Worked hard to catch up, got in position and everything, and I was just way too damn short. Shit all over my dick. Baha anyway. At this point in the day, I am completely lacking all energy and just super lackadaisical. I think our whole team was feeling the same way. We were always just a step behind, and were just getting beat all over the place. Seriously, the game is a blur for me. At some point in the game, for some reason Fozz and I got really into the adjective "cool". Someone from ISU does a hammer pull on game point, to which I shouted, "COOL!" Then they scored on a hammer or something ridiculous like that. Whoever caught that hammer, that was totally VDN. I was gonna tell you after the game but wasn't able to identify you. Anyway, it was cool. Loss to Iowa State, 1-13. Welp.

Sunday morning we got to sleep in a little bit, which was nice. Our first game of the day was against a team we haven't seen in a reallllly long time, Truman State. I want to say the last time we actually played them was at ... Texas Throwdown? Baha but the last time we "saw" them was at Nationals '08 -- we set up tents next to each other in Boulder. Anyway, I'm sorry to say that for me this game was a blur. I remember that there was one point where we just went on the field and flowed -- we were just sending it up the open sideline until we scored. It was sick. No turns, I feel like the point took about a minute. It was awesome. The game was pretty close at first. I think at one point it was 3-3, but that might have been as close as it got. We lost another tough one, 5-10. After a long bye and a lot of confusion, we met up with Missouri State. I'm going to have to apologize for not remembering anything at all about Sunday, but I literally don't. This team also played a little bit of cup, which we patiently worked through. I think at one point it was Mader, Fozzles, and Kimmy D handling, with Fotes and me popping. I forget who was on the rails, but mang, we worked it. The handlers were swinging it well, and Fotes was popping with a lot of energy. I would stand there and wait for the cup to collapse on Fotes, and Kim or Fozz would throw a little over the top throw to me. It was awesome. Anyway, we won our second game of the tournament with a crazy hammer/scoober thing to make it 7-5. Our FINAL game of the weekend was Wisconsin Whitewater/Wisconsin B. I forget the score, and can only remember that we lost. Wisconsin B had this one chick who was coming down with everything! Old girl had hands! OH! And I also remember that I threw a huck to Fozzles. It died off a bit to the right, but luckily she read it correctly. I also tried to throw an upwind I/O flick to Fozz, which ended up disastrously, but luckily the Fozz/Jewface connection was on and she caught it anyway. Phew. Yeah, we were exhausted as shit. Honestly, I'm going to need a LOT more than two Mountain Dews to get me through the last game of a tournament Sunday.

The Rach(a)el's had a ballin' weekend. Both of them had SICK layout grabs. Rachael's came in the Missouri State game (? someone correct me if I'm wrong), and Rachel's was in the North Park game. I know they tape their games, and I almost want to ask for that footage, even though it's shameful cause we lost. Anyway, both of the grabs were super tight. All in all, I would conclude that Midwest Warmup was a success. We improved a LOT from No Wisco, and other than the Iowa State game, we were pretty competitive in every game we played. We learned a lot, played a great variety of teams, and embarrassed Cathy a whole bunch. I would label it a success.

Great tournament once again, Legion. I think my only two gripes are that a. By the time I remembered to bring my money to frisbee central, they were out of the Patagonia shorts that would allegedly change my life. SIGH. and b. Our schedule didn't match up with Eau Claire's. No heckling =(

Well, to be sure, Robyn did heckle me while I was sprawled on the ground during our SLU game. Also, I looked up pictures: blue headband was Amy, so there ya go. I didn't get to watch as many games as I would have liked to, either. I saw bits of the WMU/Grinnell game, Bro Claire/Great Lakes Flywheel game, as well as bits of the Bella/Gung Ho game. We were waiting for Frances to score in the endzone we were standing near so we could shout "NATT-IES CUT-IE". Didn't happen while we were standing there. I'm sure we'll try the same thing with Katie Kessler at Pres Day. Our cheers are a joke. Anyway.

So I've been making a concerted effort not to call people's shit out unnecessarily, but in this case I felt it was necessary. We got into a lil' tiff (a-ha, a-ha) with Missouri State Bearly Legal on Sunday afternoon. Basically, we showed up at our fields to play them on Sunday, and by the time game time rolled around, no one showed up. The Chu Monster and I trekked over to tourney central and inquired about the situation. The MSU contact was called, no one picked up, and we sat around and waited for a bit. After a long while, we walked back to our fields and agreed to a game with Vanderbilt. As we're about to cheer and get on the line, Missouri State shows up and gets all huffy, giving us a whole bunch of 'tude. Now, check this out, Barely Civil, I'm about to do something you were incapable of doing: OWN UP TO SOMETHING (lawl fair enough, Melvin Costa). I don't know if this is how my team feels about what happened between us, but this is how I feel. If you've got shit on your dick, take it up with ME and my Vinny Del Negro ass.

There was no need to be unpleasant. None. So you made a mistake. It's not a big deal. Own up to it. I don't know what happened, honestly. I feel like the information we were provided was pretty clear. We knew to go to Field 11. It was in the packet, it was written on the board at tourney central. I don't know, we figured it out. Maybe you misread your packet/the board. Maybe someone gave you faulty information. I'm not pointing fingers or assigning blame and I'm not saying that that's where you went wrong, I'm just saying that sometimes things like this happen. Who knows what went wrong? But HONESTLY, why would you sit around for more than ten or fifteen minutes just waiting if the other team doesn't show up? Wouldn't you be proactive, like we were? That was your problem, not that "someone told you the wrong thing" (REAL MATURE, blaming "someone" at tourney central). If the tourney director called me and I missed that call, I'd apologize for missing it, not give ANOTHER bullshit excuse. So DON'T get all up in our faces and give us shit about something that we didn't do wrong. And don't ask if we're "kidding" when we ask you to go do something we did fifteen minutes prior. Rest assured that we're not kidding. I really didn't appreciate your overall shitty attitude, and I have absolutely no respect for the way that you handled the situation or the way that you carried yourself. Consider yourself THE JANKNESS.

On that note: Vandy? Ya'll are cool. I will for sure holler at you at CCC.

My general point: Don't be a jag bag. No, seriously. I don't care how great you are at ultimate, how great you look without your shirt on, how smart you are, how wealthy you are, how whatever you are -- there is nothing in the world that gives you the green light to be a bag full of jagoffs. I honestly don't give a Vinny Del Negro who the shit you are, if you act like a douchebag, people will always see you as one.

ANYWAY.

Oooh! So this is for Kelly Foster: I did, indeed, sky a small nation of people! It was during the SLU game. I think it was Fozz who threw a long ball to me just outside of the front cone of the endzone on the open side. I think it is me, my girl, someone else on our team, and another SLU defender in this small nation. There may have been more people, I'm not sure. I could be wrong; it just felt like a lot of people because there was a lot of contact on the way up and I really don't think it was from my girl, because I saw her go up with two hands. Anyway, my girl doesn't time her jump correctly and jumps too early. Someone is about to drop a J-Bomb on this small nation of folks. She is on her way down and misses the disc, and I go in there and Kelly Foster the shit out of that situation! I forget if we score that, but I hope so, because it was the closest I'll ever get to a Miss Foster/T-Bag situation in my life! Also, I may or may not have skyed "Little" Foster, and then cleated her on the way down. After I got the sky D, everyone was like, "SWEET D, RACHEL! YOU'RE THE BEST! UGH, YOU'RE SO GOOD!" At first I was offended, but then I realized that since we are girlfriends, the things we do are one and the same, so what I heard may as well have been "SWEET D, J! YOU'RE THE BEST! UGH, YOU'RE SO GOOD!" So I guess it's okay.

Off the field shenanigans were also quite enjoyable. Stacey's family was kind enough to put us all up for the weekend in their beautiful home, so HUGE props to the Luo family. We *almost* forgot to get them a thank you gift, thanks to a certain Pokemon, but we were able to make a late night adventure to Schnuck's, which basically resulted in like sixteen wrong turns and a scare at the gas station. Anyway. Luckily/unluckily for us, the Luo's had a foosball table in the basement ... yikes. But honestly: Team Whoo. That's all I have to say. Mader, who is lowkey a foosball champion, teamed up with her roommate, Fozzles, whose left-handedness made playing goalie less awkward, in what they called "Team Domination". Whatevs. After Kimmy D decided pool was more her game, I decided to team up with Rachel Foster after I witnessed her prowess at goalie. Truly remarkable. Anyway. I don't even remember how it happened, but somehow, Team Whoo challenged Team Domination to a Foosball Death Match. We agreed upon two timeouts, thirty seconds each, game to ten. The throwdown occurred after dinner on Saturday, with almost the entire team gathering around the table to watch. After watching Mader's utter dominance of the attack players on Friday night, Rachel and I had little hope of winning, but y'know, it's always fun talking shit. The game starts. Somehow, Rachel and I go up 3-0. Team Domination calls time out (AFTER THEY MADE FUN OF US FOR REQUESTING TIME OUTS). They come back after the time out and regroup, making it 3-2. Yikes. They score a third time, prompting Rachel and I to burn a time. We decide that it's Time. We get into a formation taught to us by WMU's Michelle, bamboozle the shit out of Fozzles and Mader, and score the point. We didn't look back from there, and won the game. We celebrated with a lot of laughter, shouting, whoo's, and a Chu-Chu train around the room. One of the best moments of my adult life. Whoo.

Thanks to a Tuner Group connection, Illinois had the opportunity to hang out with Western Michigan on Saturday night. Our two teams met up at Red Robin and had two huge tables put together for us, which was pretty sweet. We had the chance to meet new people, make new friends, and introduce them to our bizarre team shit. Two people on our team ordered the Banzai Burger (I assume it's "banzai" as opposed to "bonsai"? Because it makes more sense? I don't know), which of course, sent everyone into a frenzy. We made arrangements so that when the burgers got to the first table, Fozz would give me "the eyes" (different from "The Eyes" that she gives me otherwise), and that would mean it was go time. Table one would then start the cheer (Banzai!), and table two, my table, would respond (Banzai!). Anyway, it made little to no sense, but we did it. I'm fairly certain everyone else in that Red Robin thought we were obnoxious little dick wipes, but eh, it was interesting. Other than my rogue ass balloon attacking the shit out of everyone else's balloon, we had a good time. Looks like Illinois now has more bros, which is always exciting.

I think it's also worth noting that one of the most adorable things that happened all weekend was on Saturday night, just before the start of the Team Whoo/Team Domination Foosball Death Match. We are all standing at the table, getting ready to start, The Chu Monster and Skimmy D were sitting by the window, and spectators were beginning to gather around the table. All of a sudden, Amy tears into the room, face all lit up, and hysterically announces: "Kim is my girlfriend!"

SO. CUTE.

There are so many bromances already, I can't even keep track of them all. Don't worry, alums. Even though I've failed you in one respect, I haven't failed you in the bromance department. Never.

Anyhow, I had a totally Vinny Del Negro weekend. Completely memorable, in so many ways. Ughhhh I wish CCC wasn't so far away ...