Absolutely None ...

[EDIT 11/1 3:34pm: Sooooooo I didn't get up to watch. But congrats to Fury (haha Cathy reminded me that it was Fury, captained by Nancy Sun, against Brute Squad, a team Nancy helped start, so trippy), Axis, and Chain. I wanted Revolver to win, since I used to creepily watch them practice and all, but y'know.]

... of you are excited that I'm posting again. But I'm doing this for Brit "FOTY" Gartner. I've come out of semi-retirement for this shit!

Anyway, sorry I kept putting this post off. Stuff kept coming up. In the end, even after all the bullshit, family comes before everything else. Anyway.
I'm home on Halloween because I'm a loser, and also because I don't think being Ash Ketchum for the second day in a row is still novel. There is also the unrelated point that I fail to read for, pay attention in, or even stay awake in Farhad Malekafzali's class, and I sort of have an exam I can't fail on Tuesday, but whatever.

[Someone outside my window: You've already made out with four people, Mary!
Mary: Yeah? (laughs)
Nice.]

In any case. Thank GOD for live stream. I watched the Brute/Capitals semis, and what a GREAT game. At first I just kind of had it on in the background while I was reading the newspaper, but then it started getting interesting and I got really into it. My favorite part of the live stream, I think, was when Chelsea would go "Awohhhh ..." or "Unfortunate" when something bad happened. Also ROFFLE at how many different names Alex gave Vivian Zayas: Zion, Zavaz, I can't even remember all the other ones. Bummer about Riot and B-hoe, who were my two favorites going into this tournament, but Fury/Brute should also be fun to watch. This kid will actually get up "early" on a Sunday to watch. Good luck to Shawn, an Illinois Meddling Kids and Menace alum, and CLX, but I'm not getting up that early.

Welp. No Wisco.
No Wisconsequences was Illinois' first tournament of the fall season. It was very exciting, and we brought a huge squad. Unfortunately, car constraints caused us to leave a few vets and a few rookies at home, but we were still rolling 22 strong, with an even split of vets and rookies. Our practices before the tournament had been limited by rain, cold weather, sickness/swine, and exams, but I think everyone was amped heading into the weekend.

Our first game of the weekend was against Michigan State. It was probably one of the best games that we could have possibly had to start off our first tournament of the year. It was a game against a team that is always tough to play against, but we had a fighting chance of winning the game. I don't know about our rooks, but I was a little nervous as to how the n00bz would respond to playing in a "real" game for the first time. It went decently well, I think. I really don't remember much about this game. I do remember that Mader had a bunch of ridiculous bids on O, and this one girl on Michigan State was getting numerous layout D's. In the end, we won this game, something like 10-8. Next up we had Wisconsin. Welp. I mean. What can I say? We didn't get bageled, which was sweet! Fozz to Margaret, I think. So Wisco's gonna be good ... again. After our swift dismissal, we played another Central team, Carleton. This game was pretty fun. I'm pretty sure we lost by a lot, but it didn't feel that way. They were missing a LOT of girls (I was told it was Parent's Weekend or something of the sort that weekend?), and at times it felt like a game of catch between their two main girls. Either way, we didn't do a good job of matching up in this game, and we ended up losing by a lot. Meh. Our last game of the day on Saturday was against Colorado State. I don't even know what to say about this game. At that point in the day, we were all exhausted. People were cold because we were just coming off a bye. I was grouchy because I had just been hit in the face ... twice. I don't know. I felt like we had a chance to win this game. I watched CSU/Bella a bit, and CSU just had a whole bunch of drops. I thought that if we could capitalize on their turns, we would be golden. Welp. Didn't work out that way. CSU was still dropping a fair amount in our game, but we were making the same mistakes.

Our first game of Sunday was against a team we're pretty familiar with at this point, Valpo. Long story short, we lost this game. They exclusively threw zone, something our rookies were unfamiliar with. We were a bit disadvantaged in that respect, but I think we had a shot of winning this game, we all just collectively shat ourselves, for whatever reasons. It was just a lot of little dumb mistakes that everyone made, and that all just piled up, and we got into a hole we couldn't dig ourselves out of. It was frustrating, but sometimes you just gotta have games like that to give yourself a wakeup call. Of course, I should say that Valpo played well. They showed up to play, were ready to win, and showed no mercy. It was a frustrating way to start the morning, but it got us fired up for our next game, I'd like to think. Our next game was against yet another Great Lakes Sometimes team, Michigan. Flywheel was another team that brought a really young squad. The thing they've got going for them is that they've got such great coaching. Even after losing all those sick players that they lost last year, you know they're still going to be in good shape because of all the talent they still have, and the great coaching they have. I actually had a lot of fun playing this game, and I would go out on a limb to say it was my favorite game of the weekend, even though we lost. Both teams were extremely competitive and playing hard to win, but I felt like sportsmanship and spirit were never compromised in the process. We both just went out there and played hard, clean, and fair, and even though we came out with another one in the loss column, I was proud of that game. Kudos to you, Flywheel. It's always such a great pleasure playing against you, especially now that I've learned to love the cowbell. That said, Becky Malinowski was sort of running that game, and I'm excited (and of course scared) to see how her throwing game develops over the course of the season. She's already a ridiculous receiver, and now she handles too? Yikes. Our very last game of the tournament was against Minnesota. I knew it wasn't going to be good when we couldn't even get the start time straight, lawl at us. At this point, there was a lot of fatigue and a couple of injuries, so we decided to let the kids play this game. I didn't take my warmup pants off for this game, which is NEVER a good sign. I walked up and down the sidelines all "COACH! PUT ME IN COACH!" lookin' ass. But no, seriously, Margaret didn't play and called lines, and Fozzles and I played sparingly. We had some pretty great lines out there, like an all sophomore line, a rookie line, and most excitingly of all, an AZN LINE. Feels good to finally have enough AZNS for an entire line. But in all seriousness, it was really exciting to see the kids just go out there and play. We had rooks breaking the mark, rooks handling ... IN A ZONE, rooks coming down with big grabs, rooks just flowing with the disc. Man, it looked so good.

[An update on the Halloween party that is occurring in the complex next to mine: "Forever Young" by Alphaville is now playing. Yessssssss.]

Possibly one of the funniest things that happened all tournament occurred in this game. I am on D on this girl who is close to a foot taller than I am (Maybe an exaggeration. She was maybe 5'11? 6'? Who knows.). We are in the endzone. Disc goes up, and is way over the intended receiver's head. I know it's snack time. I box out my girl, I am in position for the sky D. I jump, and according to Margaret, I got some mad air (probably like four inches, nbd). WHIFF. Old girl just jumps a little bit and reaches over my outstretched hand for the disc. Damn. Wish I was a little bit taller, I wish I was a baller ...


This tournament was a great learning experience for Illinois. It exposed all the things we have to work on this season if we expect to be in Madison in May, but there are a lot of positive things that happened too. Especially in that last game against Minnesota, it was awesome to see the rookies stepping up to the plate and playing well. We had rookies just fearlessly picking up the disc to handle against a zone (something they've NEVER done before, not even in practice), and it was really encouraging to see. There were some points in that game where they were working it all the way downfield! I especially liked how hard they all played. Off the top of my head, I can remember three grabs by rookies for scores on second-chance discs. I'm positive there were more than that, too. I loved that they never gave up on the disc, and weren't afraid to lay out. We had rookies getting mad D's, too. I loved seeing rookies getting D's on 50/50 discs, and I especially loved seeing rooks NOT GIVING UP even when their girl was beating them deep. All in all, I think it was a fun first tournament. It was great to finally play ultimate again, and let the kids actually get to play.

It was also sort of a mini-reunion for me. First of all, we got to see our other college-age Spicy Tuna teammates, Christina (Supersnatch) and Dana (Gung Ho). I got to see my life partner Laura C. Nelson, but I also got to see my friend Phil, my teammate in Shanghai. I hope I'll get other chances to catch up with him, since running into him and freaking out by the Port-A-Potties hardly counts as a real conversation. Anyway, cool how small the world is, right? Speaking of friends, I heart Bro Claire 4evs. Eau Where? Bro Claire. Ya'll are too much. Robyn is ridiculous. Fozz and I were standing on the backline of the Northwestern endzone for one Eau Claire pull, and I swear to all that is holy, the pull landed just inside the back line of the endzone, and then it was called back because of an offsides or something of that nature. But good GOD. Just ridiculous.

On the topic of friends, we should definitely give a shout out to our family! We want to give a huge thank you to all our family supporters! It was very nice to have a fan presence on our sidelines even in Wisconsin. Kudos to Pops VanDuyne for being spirited, even when he had to give a perspective call against our team, and thanks to the Family Axis for the delicious donuts. Sooo good. Also, my best bestie for life led us out of the darkness that is Beloit. Just got to see/talk to everyone important in my life that weekend, apparently. I also want to give major kudos to the Taco Truck. Goodness they were pretty delicious. I didn't spend the $2 to buy any, but I had some of Margaret's, and it was pretty great. All the Pantera and Clif shit was awesome too. I'm just sad the Red Bull vehicle was nowhere to be found on Sunday. Well, I should say that I didn't see it, but I longed for it. Sigh. Welp, I now have two cans of Red Bull in my fridge that I want nothing to do with. Eh. Maybe I'll save it for Warmup.

I think it's also worth mentioning that we had a funny little chat about what men's team we'd be best suited for if we were dudes. I said I would probably be best suited to play for Carleton, because of their propensity for cut-offs and basketball jerseys, and Fozz said something about Florida, since she already owns a jersey. While I don't think I would want to play for Florida, I could totally see myself making highlight videos of my team playing against other members of my team dressed as pirates or Hodags or whatever, set to "I Put on for My City" (Gainesville ... LAWL, no offense, but LAWL).

Anyway, probably one of the best parts of the weekend was the drive home. Everyone knows I love a challenge, especially eating and driving challenges. The Thundercats had to get home in time for a soccer game that night, lest we be charged like $125 for missing the game. Of course, I am the Thundercats driver. We were driving home with two tuckered out captains in the front, an almost voiceless-Risa, a concussed Rachel "Lil' Foster" Foster, and Mary Kate stuck in between them in the back. We found a Wendy's after about an hour or so of driving. I finished all my food before the second car even sat down to eat, it was a little ridiculous how far ahead of schedule we were. Anyway, as mentioned, we got lost in Beloit, and during this time, all three of the other cars passed us. Not a problem. We get back on the highway, pass the Fozz Van almost immediately, and set to picking off Fotes and Jody, which we apparently do. Rice Rocket PWNZ. Despite my recent legal troubles, the Rice Rocket made a brief return to its normal form, and we made it back in time for me to do some of this, but minus any acrobatic dives, heroic disregard for my body, or actual saves. Rachel Foster gave me one piece of advice ("If there's anything that I've taught you, it's to take your hands out of your pockets!"), and I hope to utilize it in possibly the last game of my career tomorrow night. I'm going to get like, one save tomorrow night. LEGIT!

No Wisco was also the start of my downhill slide in health. I got hit in the face when I went up for a disc against a Carleton girl. I got jacked in the jaw with a disc during warmups. I got a GNARLY blood blister on my catching hand. I started nose bleeding randomly (we decided it was brain cancer). Oh, and then like a week later I found out I might be allergic to my all-time favorite beer, 312 Urban Wheat Ale. GREAT.


So that was No Wisco. A shitshow.
Midwest Warmup is happening in a week, which is quite exciting. Practice has been looking better and better -- or I should clarify -- the kids who show up to practice are getting better and better with each practice. I'm hoping Warmup will be a step up from No Wisco, but this is the fall. We're still learning, still getting used to new roles. Even among returners, there are still some chemistry kinks that are getting worked out, and it's taking time. It's been a learning experience for sure, in many respects. I'm looking forward to seeing old friends, meeting new ones, and just playing a tournament for the first time in weeks.

To all four of you who still read this, I'm sorry it took me so long to update. (x__x)
I can't promise anything (as you already know), but I'll try harder from now on.

Things that are new in my life that you may or may not care about:
1. My life is a mess. No surprise there.
2. If the whole SOMD.ca thing doesn't work out, I think I might write a book. I haven't really decided what it's going to be about, but I do know that I'm going to be so big, you're going to wonder what all these bitches are hollering about.
3. BULLS BASKETBALL HAS STARTED. I am more than a little excited! Which of the following is true: Brad Miller is my favorite Bull, or I used to live across the street from one of the best passing big men in the game?
4. "Sainthood" is everything I wanted it to be and more. Now, if only the wonder twins weren't playing in Chicago on (tentative) Centex weekend! SIGH.
5. In case any of you are wondering, I am a bowling juggernaut. I'm not even kidding. I am a legit KIN 102 SUPERSTAR. Ask Margaret Dunleavy and Jesse Rhoades, the best TA of all time. I would be surprised if I didn't get an A in that class. But seriously, I'm glad I'm good at all the awkward sports, on some Walter Ray Williams Jr. shit.

Finally, the SOMD Movement has brofficially begun. Watch the shit out, America. Team Stanford, I MISS you guys.